Posted by: billysuperstar | September 30, 2011

Season 4, Episode 11, “Secret Admirer”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Jesse catches Michelle eating the middles out of a whole jar full of Oreo’s and then putting the outer parts back in the jar.  When he tells her to cut it the fuck out she retorts, “next time, only buy the middles.”  You know what would have been a funnier punchline?  If he’d put her up for adoption.

As Danny prepares for the “First annual Tanner family quality time BBQ”, a knock at the door discloses the arrival of Cindy and Rusty.  I had a feeling we hadn’t seen the last of them after their introductions last episode (mainly because I checked IMDB), but I’m surprised that they’ve returned so quickly.  Considering that I have no recollection of these characters whatsoever, I have to assume that they won’t last long, but I guess it’s good for Danny that he’s finally gettin’ some action for the time being.

A second knock on the back door (It’s like no one ever uses the front door at all anymore!) announces the arrival of the paperboy, and DJ is pretty insistent about answering it because she’s totally hot for his wang (although this makes me wonder why she didn’t want to answer the door 1 minute earlier when Cindy and Rusty were knocking… how did she know it wasn’t the paperboy?).  DJ opens the door, revealing a pre-teen stud with the worst haircut you’ve ever seen in your life.  His posture is that of a man who is clearly ready to fuck.

DJ, as always, has absolutely no game, but since Danny only carries large bills, she is at least guaranteed a return visit from the paperboy because he owes Danny some change.  Rusty witnesses their awkward interaction and gives DJ shit about it.

Michelle walks in on Rusty dictating a fake love letter to DJ from the paperboy as a prank.  He decides to include Michelle in his scheme by paying her 10 cents to deliver the letter for him.  It seems that Rusty is still up to his old tricks, and I have to say that I’m pretty surprised that someone’s character flaws lasted longer than the traditional 22-minute episode.  Well, I guess that if they were going to bring this character back he had to continue being a puckish weasel because what else were they going to do with him?  Characteristics on Full House seem to work 2 ways:  either their character flaws are brought up out of nowhere and resolved over the course of an episode, such as DJ’s eating disorder a few storylines past, or their character flaws define their whole personality, like Jesse’s creepy obsession with Elvis, Joey’s obnoxious, inept impressions, and now, Rusty’s pranks.

Michelle gives Stephanie the letter because Rusty only specified that she was supposed to give the letter to her sister.  Although the letter is anonymously signed, “Hot For You,” Michelle admits that it was written by Rusty, which leads Stephanie to believe that Rusty is in love with her.

Her reactions are described by a voice-over of her inner thoughts, which is a device that’s never been used on the show before.  Stephanie is totally grossed out by Rusty’s feeling for her and decides to hide the letter in a nearby laundry basket.

It turns out that the laundry basket belongs to Joey and contains a dirty load that he’s put together for Cindy to wash.  When Joey gives Cindy the laundry basket, he tells her, “by the way, I left a little note in there.  It explains everything,” which has no context whatsoever.  Obviously, she finds the love note and assumes it’s from Joey, but what the fuck note was he actually referring to?  Cindy reads the letter in another voice-over and decides to hide it in a nearby folder because she doesn’t want Danny to see it.

The folder contains Danny’s work notes for Rebecca Donaldson, so he hands it to her when she shows up for the BBQ and says that there’s some important shit that he wrote inside.  Naturally, she finds the love note and assumes it’s from Danny and wonders how to handle the situation, as described by yet another voice-over.  This one’s remarkable because she comes to the conclusion that if Jesse finds out he’ll kill Danny, and then she starts to scheme about how if Danny died she’d have her own show.  This ominous train of thought backs up my theory that the Full House is in fact a living entity that negatively affects the psyche of its inhabitants, and that Rebecca Donaldson is slowly being driven crazy as she is pulled further and further in.  So, yeah, I don’t know, plotting Danny’s death seems like something that would naturally occur to you if you had to spend any amount of time with him, but also maybe the full house was built on top of a sacred Indian burial ground or something?

So the rest of this episode is basically just the same thing happening over and over again, kind of like that Jim Jarmusch movie, The Limits of Control, but without any artistic merit or quality of performance, or any reason for existing at all for that matter.  It’s just a repetitive, monotonous cycle of misunderstandings as the letter is handed off between cast members, all described by voice-over narration that is not once implemented with any cleverness or insight whatsoever.

Rebecca Donaldson puts the letter in Kimmie Gibbler’s overdue library book, which leads Jesse to hand it off to her and tell her that there’s a “surprise” in it for her, which in turn leads Kimmie Gibbler to believe that Jesse is in love with her.  Kimmie Gibbler welcomes Jesse’s confession of love, and doesn’t consider for a second that it is a crime.

Jesse finds the note after it’s left in the living room and concludes that it was written to Rebecca Donaldson by either Danny or Joey, so he decides to keep an eye on both of them so he can figure out who to beat the shit out of.  As Jesse investigates, there are further wacky interactions between himself and Kimmie Gibbler, as well as between Joey and Cindy.

Stephanie confides in DJ that Rusty wrote her a love letter and says that she’s gonna tell him to go fuck himself.  DJ intervenes by saying that she thinks that she can let Rusty down more tactfully.  DJ’s confrontation with Rusty is extremely vague and suggestive, so much so that it’s actually pretty understandable when Rusty thinks that she’s hitting on him.

The family convenes in the kitchen so they can head to the backyard together to start the BBQ.  Rebecca Donaldson takes Joey aside and tries to ask his advice about what to do about Danny’s feelings towards her but she describes the situation with misleading generalizations that cause Joey to think that she’s confessing her feelings to him.  When oh when will this web of intrigue end?

Rebecca Donaldson confronts Danny with the letter in the backyard but he thinks that she’s giving him a letter that she’s written, so now they both think the other is in love with them.  Danny panics as Jesse approaches and hides the letter under Michelle’s hat.  It’s a good thing that she just happened to be wearing a hat for the first time ever, because otherwise he’d have had to shove that letter up his ass.

Cindy tries to let Joey down gently and makes like the 10th misleading speech in as many minutes, causing Joey to believe that both his roommates women wanna bang him.  To be fair, Joey seems like the kind of guy who would mistake any compassion or sympathy a woman expressed towards him as romantically suggestive behavior.  You’d have to be pretty delusional in general if you were Joey… how else do you think he keeps from blowing his fucking brains out every single day of his life?

As the family all sit down to eat, Danny gives a rambling address while the camera pans over each character, revealing their inner thoughts.  There are some pretty choice quotes during this sequence, particularly when Stephanie thinks, “one false move and Rusty gets a weenie in his ear,” and Jesse’s notion that if he killed either Danny or Joey he’d “be doing mankind a favor.”  Truer words were never spoken!

When Danny’s seemingly endless babbling finally comes to a close, Michelle pulls the love letter out of her hat and everyone freaks the fuck out.  All of the misinterpreted origins of the letter are presented as accusations and chaos ensues.  Eventually Michelle, who’s actually the only person who really knows what’s going on, outs Rusty as the author of the letter, and the family all gather together to beat the shit out of him.

As Rusty is being torn apart, the paperboy swaggers into the backyard to return Danny’s change and strikes up a conversation with DJ.  DJ coerces him to stick around by offering him some hamburgers, and the episode ends with her giving him a handjob under the picnic table.

Yeah, I’ve given it up to some pretty homely girls for a hamburger, too.

Firsts:  Voice-over narration

Posted by: billysuperstar | September 23, 2011

Season 4, Episode 10, “Terror in Tanner Town”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Rebecca Donaldson tries to convince Jesse to wear a top hat and tails for their wedding and he’s like, “hells naw!”  Michelle is present for this exchange and spews out about a dozen obnoxious one-liners, and yet, somehow, no one punches her in the face.  Seriously, just once, can’t the pre-credits gag be that Michelle gets punched in the face?  I would laugh out loud at that!  I would watch it over and over and feel the most cathartic bliss of my entire life.  All of this shit would be worth it if she got punched in the face just one time.  Why is that too much to ask?  Didn’t they have focus groups that watched this show?  Surely I’m not the only person who was clamoring for this…

Danny answers the back door after the doorbell rings (seriously, what’s up with people coming in through the back door all the time?  It’s even got its own doorbell now?) and greets a woman from his dry cleaning service.  She and Danny exchange a series of overtly-eroticized words about cleanliness and then they start making out.

Wait, what!??!  Danny Tanner is getting’ some!  Right in the kitchen!  I guess he was about due for some action, as this show has only so many premises to pull from and he’s been doing even worse with the ladies than Joey lately.

Anyhow, the dry cleaners name is Cindy and apparently she and Danny have been seeing each other for a few weeks.  Danny suggests that she come over for lunch that weekend with her son, Rusty, but Cindy is hesitant.  Danny’s like, “come on, girl, if we’re gonna be bumpin’ uglies on the regular, you gots to meet my annoying family” and she is so charmed by his rambling speeches and obsessive compulsive cleaning tendencies (all characteristics that she herself shares, because the easiest way to write a love interest for Danny is to have her be exactly like him) that she finally agrees.  Then they make out some more because, in case you haven’t noticed, the people that make Full House hate you.

Danny gets all nervous waiting for Cindy and her son to show up so he makes the family line up in order of height.  They toy with his nervousness by singing “Do Re Me”, which is a real white-bread wholesome family entertainment way of giving someone a hard time.  The doorbell rings and, before answering it, Danny makes one last appeal to his family that he only gets laid like once every other Season and he’s really into Cindy’s well-kempt vagina, so they’d better not fuck this up for him.

Cindy enters with her hideous son, Rusty, and the introductions go pretty much without incident.  As the family sits down to lunch, there is a dispute between Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson over where they’re gonna have their wedding.  Rebecca Donaldson wants to have it in Nebraska because that’s where her family is and Jesse wants to have it (you guessed it!) at Graceland because Elvis is really the only thing that he cares about at all.  You know, you’d think that even having to have a discussion about why you don’t want to have your wedding at Graceland would be enough to make you realize that the guy you’re going to get married to is a big piece of shit.

Cindy gets paged from work (that takes me back) and Danny tries to make some nice small talk with Rusty while she’s on the phone.  Throughout the lunch, the family find themselves subjected to a range of extremely uncreative practical jokes (i.e. the salt shaker has a loose top) all of which are blamed on Joey.  Cindy comes back from her phone call and says that she’s been called in to work and then Danny tries to score points with her by offering to watch her buttfaced son while she’s gone.

After lunch, the girls take Rusty up to their room and he reveals that he was the cause of all of the practical jokes and refers to himself as “The Rust-man”, which is more obnoxious than the pranks.  The girls decide that, even though he’s a total prick, they’d better not out him for it because it would really impede their dad’s extremely rare opportunity to get some ass.

Danny invites Rusty to play some football in the backyard and Rusty lauds him with false idolization to build his trust.  Rusty then throws the football to Danny in such a manner that it causes him to fall into a big ass puddle of mud.  Naturally, the only action that you’d actually want to see occurs entirely off screen, but at least you get to see the degrading aftermath.

Danny excuses himself to go shower, which unleashes Rusty on the rest of the full house.

Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson continue to argue over why their wedding shouldn’t be Elvis-themed.  The worst part about all of this is that they had the exact same argument like 2 Seasons ago when they were deciding what to do for the holidays.  Honestly, why does she put up with this shit at all?  You’d think that she’d eventually just point out that since she’s the only one with a job she’s gonna have to pay for the whole thing, so what she says goes, but Rebecca Donaldson’s not like that.  Anyway, they eventually agree on serving chicken at the wedding, which is enough of a small victory to clear the air for the time being.  If there’s one thing on Full House that really brings people together, it is a love of chicken.

As they’re “making up,” Rusty barges in and shouts, “tongue town U.S.A.!” which is the most vulgar statement I think I’ve ever heard uttered on a sitcom.  Jesse tells Rusty that he’s on to his bullshit but since Danny wants to fuck his mom so bad he’s not gonna do anything about it as long as he cuts it out.  Rusty agrees but then ties a rope between Jesse and the girls doors, trapping them both in their rooms.  In the hallway, Rusty expresses his satisfaction with himself by doing a little head shake and then a leg kick as he walks away, and I’ve gotta say that this kid is just about the most uncharismatic performer I’ve ever seen on tv.  All of his deliveries and physicalities are staged as if he’s really embarrassed to be doing them, and although I can’t blame this kid for one second for feeling this way, I have to say that I kind of resent him for making the regular cast look good.  I mean, I know that they’re all completely terrible, but at least they’re dedicated to it.

Rusty’s next victim is Joey, which confirms that this episode is structured like a sort of a G-rated slasher flick, where instead of the victims being brutally murdered (oh, if only!) they are subjected to really tame pranks.  Before falling prey to Rusty’s misdeeds, Joey makes Rusty the victim by subjecting him to his shitty impressions.  This brings us Joey’s first ever “Mr. Woodchuck” impression, which those of you familiar with this series will remember as something that will inspire immeasurable vile hatred later on, but as of now there is no puppet to represent Mr. Woodchuck, just Joey’s stupid face and his awkward woodland creature posture.

Anyway, Joey tries to force Rusty to watch shitty tapes of his terrible impressions and then discovers that Rusty’s taped them over with footage of himself making farting noises.  How did he even have time to do that?  Joey gets pretty pissed even though Rusty making farting noises is way more watchable than Joey’s terrible Bob Hope impression.  Joey should be taking notes.

Next, Rusty tricks Michelle into looking at his kaleidoscope that has shoe polish on it, then he throws the family’s pot roast dinner into the living room so Comet will chase it while he’s all covered in soap because the girls are washing him.  This causes the whole family to convene in the living room and acknowledge to Danny that Rusty is a deplorable asshole.  Danny refuses to believe that someone so terrible could come out of such a top-notch vagina but then he discovers that Rusty switched his shampoo with green hair dye.  Really?  Does this kid have, like, godlike powers or something?  How did he pull all this shit off?  And how did Danny manage to dye all of his hair green and not notice at all?  I mean, really?  I can see pouring it onto your head without knowing, but he had to have set it and then rinsed it out to have gotten a dye job like that.

Danny finally confronts Rusty and he’s all, “I thought we were gonna be homeys,” and then Rusty’s like, “you don’t give a shit about me, you just wanna bang my mom,” and then Danny’s all,”that is true.”  Then Rusty says that his parents are gonna get back together so Danny’s wasting his time and then the music comes on as Danny explains that he understands how Rusty feels because his parents are divorced, too, but no amount of sympathy is gonna keep him from fucking his hot mom.  The most amazing thing about this scene is that Rusty actually deflects the music, as his shitty attitude proves too powerful for the healing powers of that gentle melody.

Cindy comes back to the full house and Danny tries to show what a cool guy he is by covering up all of Rusty’s shenanigans.  Cindy discovers Danny’s green hair and is overwhelmed with shame, going so far as to say that she’ll understand if Danny doesn’t want to see her anymore.  Danny’s like, “no shitty kid is gonna keep me from pursuing our disturbing cleaning fetish,” and then everyone hugs.

As an epilogue, there’s a scene where Rusty enjoys root beer floats with the girls and then they all spray him with whipped cream as a good-natured revenge.  This conclusion conveys a sense that Rusty might be a recurring character, and although I saw so many lame characters come and go in a single episode in the earlier Seasons, I have to wonder if we haven’t seen the last of Rusty’s stupid buttface.

Firsts:  Joey’s Mr. Woodchuck impression, Rusty, Cindy, the music is ineffective

Posted by: billysuperstar | September 16, 2011

Season 4, Episode 9, “One Last Kiss”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Stephanie prepares a meatloaf cake with cheese frosting for Comet’s birthday.  Danny says that having a birthday party for the dog is fucking ridiculous but then he agrees to take Comet out later so they can throw him a surprise party.  Michelle schemes on the cake and then realizes that it’s a gross cake for dogs.  This is another example of a pre-credits gag that ties into the rest of the story and isn’t so much a quick throwaway gag as it is the first minute of the episode.  I’m not sure why the pre-credits gags have been playing out this way more often…  maybe this format is sort of petering out as the show progresses?  I wonder if the pre-credits gags won’t disappear altogether as the series goes on?

This episode opens as so many do, with Jesse practicing his guitar.  As he rehearses, “My Sharona,” Joey comes in wearing what just might be his most ridiculous sweater ever and ruins Jesse’s practice with an overextended air guitar routine.

The Uncles discuss the premise of the episode, which is that Jesse’s going to his 10-year high school reunion.  Just as he makes his way out the door, the phone rings and a sexy voice sings, “Muskrat Love” on his answering machine.  Jesse explains that the message was left by his old high school girlfriend, Carrie, and then he proceeds to reminisce about what an amazing piece of ass she was until Joey brings him back to his senses by pulling out a really scary looking photo of Rebecca Donaldson.

Jesse worries that he won’t be able to keep his dick in his pants when he sees Carrie and tries to convince Rebecca Donaldson to go to the reunion with him.  Rebecca Donaldson says she can’t because DJ and Kimmie Gibbler are coming to the station to watch her work as research for the school newspaper.  I have to say that I’m pretty impressed that the school newspaper storyline has actually stuck around for this long.  I can’t think of how many storylines, relationships or character traits have been picked up for a single episode and never mentioned again.

Danny brings Comet home for his surprise birthday party, which is attended by all of the neighborhood dogs.  I have to give the show at least a little credit on account of dogs in party hats are automatically hilarious, but my sentiment is quickly spoiled when Joey comes out and sings “Rappy Rirthday” in a lame dog voice.  Way to almost be endearing for about 5 seconds, Full House.

Jesse shows up at his high school reunion and catches up with people for about 10 seconds before he has to go up on stage and perform with his crappy high school band, “Discipline Problem”.  Jesse’s relationships with his friends from high school are even less developed than Comets’ friendships with the dogs at his party, although I did find it remarkable that one of his band mates is played by Roger Lodge, who was the host of Blind Date, one of the greatest guilty-pleasure tv shows of all time.

The band launch into a rousing performance of “My Sharona” without tuning their instruments or bothering to play catch-ups even though they haven’t seen each other in 10 years.  Regardless of their total lack of preparation, the performance goes surprisingly well until Carrie shows up with her big ol’ titties and stops the band cold.

Carrie is played by Erika Eleniak, who would later go on to star on Baywatch and show her titties in that Steven Seagal movie.  Jesse tries to keep things casual but the band starts playing “Muskrat Love” and he is coerced into a slow dance.  Apparently Carrie has been in Europe since they graduated but is back now and all hot for his schlong, but Jesse tries to be a good guy and makes a point of mentioning that he’s engaged.  Carrie doesn’t really give a shit that he’s engaged and begins reminiscing until a flashback occurs.

10 years ago, Jesse had even longer, more embarrassing hair than he did in Season 1.  Just before graduation, Carrie was offered a modeling career in Paris and Jesse got all pissed that she wasn’t going to dedicate her life to hanging out with him and touring with his crappy band.  They realized that they couldn’t stay together while pursuing their individual dreams but agreed to rekindle their love when the time was right.

Back in the present, (and by “present” I mean 1990) Carrie’s like, “come on, Jesse, for reals, give it to me” and then he runs away.  Dang, he was at his high school reunion for like 6 minutes.  He didn’t even get to experience the cathartic joy of finding out who got fat…

Back at the full house, the rest of the family are at a loss to find the last of the dog guests, Sparky.  The scene switches over to Michelle’s room, where she is secretly holding Sparky, having reclaimed him as her own and renamed him, “Penis.”  I’ll tell you something:  I have vivid memories of seeing this episode as a kid, but I had no recollection of the high school reunion premise at all, and didn’t even know if I’d ever seen this one before this particular moment came up.  But I will never in my life forget being a kid and being totally convinced that Michelle renamed that dog, “Penis.”  To be fair, I’m almost certain that she’s calling him, “Peanut,” but it sure as shit sounds like she’s saying “Penis.”  It really does.  So much so that I have to wonder why the director didn’t change the dogs name to something that didn’t so clearly sound like “Penis” when that Olsen twin said it.  Seriously, I’m not joking around.  It really sounds like she’s calling that dog, “Penis.”

Anyway, DJ discovers Penis stashed in Michelle’s room and makes her give him back.

Jesse comes home and tells Danny that he’s all freaked out because he’s engaged to Rebecca Donaldson but he can’t stop thinking about Carrie’s big ol’ titties.  As Danny rambles inanely about laundry, Carrie shows up and asks Jesse if he’ll come outside so they can “talk”.  I wonder how she got all his personal information, especially after having no contact with him at all for 10 years.  It’s weird enough that she had his phone number, but what I really wanna know is how she got his address.

So they go out to the porch and Carrie’s all, “Jesse, I need it real bad” and he’s like, “aw geez… I don’t know… aw, shucks…” and then she kisses him to test his feelings.  This scene’s kind of great because you can really see the struggle going on inside of Uncle Jesse.  How can a man choose between Carrie’s big ol’ titties and Rebecca Donaldson’s hot ass?  Titties vs. butts is a struggle that has torn apart better men than Uncle Jesse.  Ultimately, obviously, he sticks with Rebecca Donaldson, and I think the reasons are pretty obvious:  Jesse is a worthless parasite, and his top priority in any relationship is being able to mercilessly sponge off of the other person.  Think about it-his whole livelihood is provided for by Danny, and he’s even found ways to profit off of Joey, which is like squeezing fucking blood from a stone.  Since he’s getting older and his shitty band is never going to earn him a dollar, he really needs to make sure that the woman he marries is prepared to provide for him long-term.  Now that she’s 28, Carrie’s probably returned to the States because she’s retired from modeling, whereas Rebecca Donaldson’s gig on Wake Up, San Francisco could go on for decades.  Rebecca Donaldson is totally the safer bet.

But maybe I’m reading too much into this, and the true answer is the most obvious:  maybe Jesse just got weirded out by Carrie’s freaky eyebrow.  Seriously, look at that thing.  Her eyebrows are clearly styled, so for some reason she chose to have her right eyebrow extend way over, so she’s got like half a uni-brow.  That is a clear sign of mental illness, and it’s enough to make any man go running back to Rebecca Donaldson’s supple, emotionally-stable ass, which is just what Jesse does.

Jesse tells Rebecca Donaldson all about everything that happens and she gets kinda mad but then the music comes on and he says that all that getting his boner rubbed on by that big titty girl did was make him realize how excited he is about getting married to Rebecca Donaldson.  Then they kiss and say, “have mercy” and I can’t help but wonder if Uncle Jesse isn’t the craftiest human manipulator that ever walked the planet.

Posted by: billysuperstar | September 9, 2011

Season 4, Episode 8, “Shape Up”

Pre-Credits Gag:  After excessive nagging, Jesse buys Michelle a box of Fiber Bears cereal.  He gives her the box and she pours out the whole thing, removes the toy, and then tells him to make her some eggs.  See, they always gotta go to far.  Wanting the cereal just for the toy is kinda obnoxious, but we probably all remember doing the same thing when we were kids.  But can they leave it at that?  No, no they can’t.

DJ ominously snacks in her room while working on a collage for Kimmie Gibbler’s birthday.  Stephanie enters the room with her new recorder and really sucks ass at playing it.  Kimmie Gibbler shows up and pulls an invitation to her birthday party out of her amazing fanny pack and gives it to DJ.  DJ is dismayed to learn that it’s a pool party, so she’ll have to wear a bathing suit in front of everybody.  DJ says that Kimmie Gibbler doesn’t have to worry about it because she has the perfect body (out of admiration for Kimmie Gibbler, I will let you to come up with your own smarmy comment about that) and says that she wont be comfortable wearing a bathing suit in front of everyone until she has a body like the women in the pornographic magazines that she reads.

With 2 weeks to get all sexyfied before the party, DJ puts herself on a strict dieting regime, beginning by putting pictures of pin-up girls all over the refrigerator to discourage her from eating.  Rebecca Donaldson comes in and, instead of recognizing the early stages of a body-image complex, offers DJ helpful advice on what foods to eat when trying to lose weight.  Really?  If those pictures of sexy ladies on the refrigerator aren’t a cry for help then I don’t know what is.

Ironically, after all that dieting advice, Jesse comes in with a bunch of cake samples so he and Rebecca Donaldson can pick one out for their wedding.  The family all gather around to try it out, including Michelle, who’s pretty fucking eager to get down on those cake samples.  As the family tries to convince DJ to try a piece, Michelle loses control of herself and crawls across the table to shovel cake into her mouth.  You might think that the family would discourage this kind of behavior, as this kid is clearly totally out of control and has just wasted a bunch of really expensive cake samples, but they all just stand around laughing like, “Oh, Michelle!” while the studio audience goes fucking nuts over it.  What’s so funny about an obnoxious little girl?  Seriously?

For the sake of my own mental and emotional preservation, I’ve been in denial about the fact that this show really does get increasingly shitty as it goes on.  Remember how much those early episodes sucked?  They’re like fucking fine art compared to this shit.  As I work my way through this series, I keep discovering these defining moments where the gratingly obnoxious qualities graduate to a higher level.  This is clearly one of those moments, and as I watch that ugly orangutan child being celebrated for acting like a complete asshole, I can only wonder how I will ever make it through the last half of this series.

As Stephanie continues to suck ass at playing her recorder, DJ expresses frustration towards her lack of weight loss.  Jesse comes in and tells her that if she wants to lose weight she might want to focus on exercise rather than dieting, and recommends that she work out at Michelle’s gym.  Wait, what?  Since when does Michelle go to the gym?  Why is that a thing that he can just mention that’s not supposed to be perplexing to the audience?  “Michelle’s gym”?  What the fuck?  The fact that Michelle apparently goes to the gym often enough that it’s a familiar reference at the full house might actually shed some light on why DJ is having all these fucked up issues about her body.  Speaking of which, I also think that it’s pretty amazing that neither Jesse or Rebecca Donaldson made any effort to counsel DJ about her negative self-image, and have only offered advice on weight loss techniques.  Usually Rebecca Donaldson is the one who approaches these kinds of situations with a sensible, woman’s perspective, but as she comes closer and closer to her time as a resident of the full house, all of her wisdom and sensible thinking seems to be gradually fading away.  I wonder if maybe it’s the full house itself that makes these people such fuckheads?  You know, like maybe it’s like the hotel in The Shining?

Michelle comes in the room and tells Stephanie that she sucks dick at playing the recorder.  Jesse tries to help her hit the proper notes and ends up having the same problem, which leads him to discover that there’s something stuck in the recorder.  He blows into it and expels a piece of gum that hits Michelle right in the forehead, which is actually pretty rad.  Thus concludes the Stephanie’s recorder subplot.

Stephanie discovers that DJ has been giving her lunches to Kimmie Gibbler and notes that she’s been skipping out on her other meals as well.  She makes DJ promise to eat the sandwich that Danny made for her and then spies on her while she feeds it to the dog.  DJ tells Comet, “You’re lucky…dogs don’t have to wear bathing suits” and then sad music plays while the camera closes in on DJ and then cuts between her and Stephanie’s distraught expressions.  Have you ever heard of a worse prompt for a sad moment than, “dogs don’t have to wear bathing suits”?   How come this show’s only ever actually funny when it’s failing to be emotionally affective?

After the commercial break, Stephanie calls bullshit on DJ’s anorexic behavior.  DJ reasons that she’ll cut it out after the bathing suit party and forces Stephanie to pinkie swear that she’ll keep a lid on it until then.

The Tanner family head to the gym, and hilarity ensues!  As DJ tears ass on a stationary bike, the dads all watch Michelle do her baby exercises.  She goes through a really easy workout routine as the dads dote on her and give her a detrimental level of attention.

After the baby workout, the dads join Stephanie and Rebecca Donaldson’s aerobics class so they can ogle a bunch of chicks in their early-90’s, loud colored spandex outfits.  The instructor catches them and makes them exercise in the front of the room and then there’s a long take of them sucking at aerobics that’s pretty darn poorly put together.  It looks to me like the script said, “and then the dads suck at aerobics” and they just filmed the first, improvised take without any direction and decided that it was good enough.

Stephanie summons DJ to come and laugh at the dads’ inept aerobics training but then DJ becomes lightheaded on the way over.  Stephanie calls the dads for help and they decide that they’ve all had enough exercise for the day and go home to the full house.

DJ gets all pissy when the family continues to express concern about her and then tries to skip out on dinner.  Stephanie violates the sacred oath of the pinkie swear and outs DJ’s burgeoning eating disorder.  The family warn her about the effects of eating disorders but she says that she doesn’t give a shit because all that matters is looking hot in a bathing suit.  She storms up to her room and Danny follows her.

DJ explains to Danny that she doesn’t like the way that she looks because none of the hoes in her magazines have big fat moon faces like she does.  Good lord, I can’t help but sympathize for Candace Cameron for having to deliver these lines.  Seriously, how much would it suck to be a teenage girl and be forced to berate your own appearance on national television?  I wouldn’t be surprised if filming this episode gave her an eating disorder in real life.  Anyway, Danny tells DJ that people come in all shapes and sizes, and that he himself struggled with body image issues growing up because he was so tall and skinny.  Oh yeah, Danny, being a tall thin white man is a real hill to climb!  Poor Danny!  So anyway, Danny tells DJ that it’s what’s inside that counts and that her friends shouldn’t judge her for looking terrible in a bathing suit and I guess that if more dads gave that same brief, ill-conceived speech then anorexia wouldn’t be such a problem.

Posted by: billysuperstar | September 2, 2011

Season 4, Episode 7, “Viva Las Joey”

You always know you’re fucked when Joey’s name is right in the title, especially when the title is about the prolonged life of Joey, rather than his painful death.  Well, that’s a pretty generous interpretation of the meaning of this title’s episode, because once you try to translate it, it’s pretty much nonsense.  Once again, Full House blatantly disrespects the Spanish language.

Pre-Credits Gag:  Jesse’s cooking something in a pan… I can’t tell what it’s supposed to be.  Maybe a pancake or an omelet or something?  Anyway, he flips it around all fancy-like and then when he tries to toss it onto his plate it falls on the floor and the dog eats it.  Usually these pre-credits gags are quick, one-note shticks but this one continues after the initial hilarious punchline when Michelle enters the scene to announce that she has an “owey.”  Yeah, howsabout you come over here, kid?  I’ll give you a fuckin “owey.”  So Jesse pulls out a band-aid for her and then the “owey” mysteriously changes locations, disclosing that Michelle was actually just selfishly vying for attention.  Jesse’s like, what the fuck?  and Michelle explains, “owey’s are verrrrrry tricky!”  which is the best phonetic description I can give for her most common method of line delivery.  I guess that somebody decided that it was really funny when she drew out the second to last word of a sentence and then said the last word really quickly and, since you can only get about one stupid baby trick working at a time, they just decided to have her do it as much as possible.  It’s really annoying.

The episode picks up literally the second that the pre-credits gag ended, which has never happened before.  Given that it had a different formula than every other pre-credits gag so far, and that it was pretty clearly just the extracted first 30-seconds of the opening scene, I think it’s fair to assume that they just didn’t make a pre-credits gag for this episode and tried to cover it up at the last minute.  Maybe it has something to do with this being one of those on-location type episodes (SPOILER ALERT:  They go to Las Vegas!), because for whatever reason those kinds of episodes have usually had pre-credits gags that unconventionally tied into the rest of the episode.  There’s probably some technical explanation as to why that is, but since I couldn’t find one when I looked up the episode on IMDB and that’s the most research I’m ever willing to do, it may forever remain a mystery.

So, anyway, the phone rings and it’s Joeys agent, inviting him to perform at some charity benefit.  Joey is so happy at having found a new opportunity to soil the world with his execrable comedy that he embraces Jesse.  Danny walks in and makes the first comment about the uncles being gay that we’ve heard in a while, probably out of spite because he feels left out.

Joey reveals that he’s going to be the opening act for Wayne Newton and excitedly begins packing his shit.  The girls catch wind of these unforeseen travel plans and, allured by legalized gambling, prostitution, and outdoor drinking, beg the dads to take them, too.  Danny’s like, hey, who gives a fuck about anything, right?  And so, the Tanner family prepare for the Las Vegas episode.

As Joey continues to pack, Jesse suggests that he invite his parents to come see his big opportunity to be shitty at what he does in his largest venue to date and, for the first time, we get some information about Joey’s family.  Apparently his mom walks around in a Goofy suit at Disney World for a living and his dad is some sort of a colonel.  Joey dismisses the idea of inviting them by saying that his mom will be working and that he and his dad don’t really get along.  Yeah, it really puts a strain between you and your dad when you’re the most annoying, useless fuck-up who ever walked the planet.

Far be it for anyone in the full house to respect the wishes or boundaries of another person, the girls decide to call up Joey’s dad and invite him to the performance while pretending to be his personal secretaries.  Yeah, I don’t know how they got his phone number, either. The call is a confused mess and clearly could never be taken seriously by a rational adult.  They don’t even say where the show is.

So then there’s an amazing montage of the bright lights of Vegas while John Stamos sings “Viva Las Vegas.” It really made me wanna do a bunch of cocaine and then contract an STD, all while gambling.

The family wait in their first place position in line outside of the Wayne Newton show and then Jesse just straight up runs up to them and pulls the velvet rope aside and tells them to check out some bad ass shit he saw inside.  Damn, Tanner family, first in line just wasn’t good enough, was it?  You might have thought that they only got special privileges inside the full house but, uh-uh, the Tanner family does whatever the fuck they want everywhere they go.  That’s what this show’s about.

The cool thing that Jesse couldn’t wait to show everybody is a bunch of lame Elvis memorabilia that nobody gives a shit about.  Jesse goes into an Elvis-inspired manic frenzy that escalates into some sort of a trance-like state in which he becomes completely disconnected from his surroundings and has no choice but to perform “Heartbreak Hotel” while  a bunch of people walk by, each of them desperately avoiding eye-contact.  That’s right, you guys, for at least 3 full minutes, Uncle Jesse goes straight up mentally insane.  That’s how much he likes Elvis.

The family meet Joey backstage to lend him support before he humiliates himself in front of thousands of people.  Joey steps out to mop up the sweat that’s accumulating under his clothes (gross!) and while he’s gone the girls mention that they’ve invited Joey’s dad, which Danny tells them was a shitty idea.  Joey returns to the scene just as a knock at the door heralds the arrival of Joey’s dad, which immediately freaks Joey out.

After the commercial break, Joey’s dad realizes that Joey didn’t know that he’d be coming and things get pretty uncomfortable.  The family excuse themselves, leaving Joey alone with his dad, and Joey’s dad immediately starts to belittle the path that Joey’s taken in his life.  I guess that the idea here is that we’re supposed to feel bad for Joey, but it’s really hard not to take his dad’s side considering that Joey has proven again and again that he should have been aborted.  I mean, Joey’s dad says a bunch of stuff about how being a comedian is not real work and stuff like that that’s pretty easy to disagree with, but once it’s applied to Joey it’s hard not to see where he’s coming from.  Joey tries to call his dad out for his lack of involvement in his life but if I was that fucking guy’s dad I wouldn’t go to his soccer games, either.  I’d be sitting at home with both barrels of a shotgun in my mouth, wondering how I could have unleashed such horror into the world.  Anyhow, Joey’s dad eventually gets tired of being berated by the living embodiment of his every failure and eventually says his goodbyes.

After that excruciating dearth of dramatic emotional conveyance, we are subjected to its stark, even more intolerable opposite, as the next 4 minutes consist of nothing but Joey’s terrible stand-up routine.  This reminds me of the shitty ass episode from last Season when he went on Star Search, and makes me wonder if he didn’t have occasional episodes that featured his stand-up routines worked into his contract.

I refuse to make any sort of comment about Joey’s stand-up, as it’s pretty redundant by now to say that I wish he would die a slow, painful death, and outside of expressing that yet again, I can’t really conjure up any meaningful commentary.  It is worth noting, however, that Wayne Newton comes out at the end.  Hey, check it out, you guys:  It’s Wayne Newton!

Backstage after the show, the Tanner family share an apple juice toast (no, I did not make that up) in honor of Joey cheating a bunch of Wayne Newton fans out of 4 minutes of their lives, but the party is quickly broken up by the reappearance of Joey’s dad.  The Tanner’s cut out in search of a miniature golf course, leaving Joey alone once again to try to work things out with his old man.  Joey’s dad says that it was hard having such an idiot fuck-up for a son but maybe he could have been around more to try to shape him into something better than the parasitic deadbeat permanent house guest of some unqualified morning show host.  The two of them then bond over Joey’s dad’s recollection of them watching cartoons together when Joey had the chicken pox when he was 3 (although this contradicts the chicken pox episode from Season 1) and then Joey’s dad tries to appeal to him by doing a shitty impression of Popeye.  Although this is clearly the only way Joey and his dad can find a method of relating to one another, I think that the Popeye laugh represents an emotional wall, or at least some sort of deeply rooted inability to connect on any sort of meaningful level.  Regardless, if you were either of these guys I guess you’d just take what you could get at this point, and so they decide to hug as gentle music comes on, resolving everything.

I know that I always rag on this show for its lack of character development, but this is one of those cases that points out that things are generally better when they don’t bother to try at all.  At least I can take consolation in the fact that we will never see Joey’s dad ever again.  I don’t know if he technically qualifies as a grandparent on this show, but he sure is about to get treated like all the others that came before him.

First:  The pre-credits gag leads directly into the episode, Joey’s dad

Posted by: billysuperstar | August 26, 2011

Season 4, Episode 6, “A Pinch for a Pinch”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Joey teaches Michelle how to play “house hockey” and she scores a goal on him.  Up to this point, Michelle’s line deliveries have all been pretty clearly prompted by an off-screen baby-wrangler, so she always had a sort of blank-stare, confused delivery, but by now she has a developed cadence that makes her about 10 times more obnoxious than she was before.  Her every delivery is as drawn-out and bratty as humanly possible, and I must once again ask you, the reader, if it really is wrong to want to punch a little girl in the face.  Seriously, this kid is the exception that makes the rule of, “never punch a little girl in the face.”  Exclusively in this one unique case, I’m sure it would be ok.

Danny brings in the paper after walking the dog before going to work while Jesse sits around in his bathrobe, contributing nothing.  Rebecca Donaldson come over to meet Danny for work and OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO HER HAIR!??!

I guess she likes to stick her head out the window during her morning drive to the full house.  Anyway, she and Danny take off and then Joey enters the kitchen to tell Jesse that he has to take an emergency trip to the dentist so he needs Jesse to fill in for him as the parent helper at Michelle’s preschool.  Jesse flat out refuses, saying that this is his “one free morning,” which is pretty hard to believe considering that Jesse is unemployed and has no clears goals in life.  He also conveys a really shitty attitude towards the preschool classroom in general, displaying a disdain for children that has never been seen in the last 3 years of this show.  Since when does Jesse hates kids so much?  I know that he is terrible at taking care of them, but this newfound contempt is clearly being pulled out of nowhere to service yet another half-baked storyline.

Joey combats Jesse’s animosity by having Michelle come in and put on a big show about how sad she’ll be if Jesse doesn’t come to her class.  She finally convinces him by making a hideous face that is supposed to break down his curmudgeonly stance even though it actually totally justifies it.

Seriously, if that’s not a face that’s hunchin’ for a punchin’, I don’t know what is.

DJ and Kimmie Gibbler actually acknowledge the storyline from the previous episode by giving Stephanie a copy of their school newspaper.  This attention to continuity actually made me really uneasy until it was immediately disserviced by Kimmie Gibbler endorsing her horoscope column after being assigned the gossip column last episode.  Phew!

Stephanie makes a really mind-blowing wisecrack when she responds to the column with, “horoscope?  What’s that, Kimmie?  A telescope that can only see your face?”  Get it?  Whore-o-scope.  Dang, that’s a pretty racy joke for this show…

Anyway, the girls read Stephanie her whore-o-scope and the beginning of it immediately comes true, leading her to wonder if the rest will, too.

Before bringing Michelle to class, Jesse once again clarifies that he thinks preschool sucks dick and will be a real sourball about helping out all day.  Incidentally, isn’t it kind of weird that Michelle has the same exact preschool classroom from last season?  Why isn’t she in Kindergarten by now?

Anyway, Jesse maintains his outlandish and totally unnecessary negativity while being forced to play music for the kids.  After being referred to as “Uncle Doofus” by Michelle’s previously established classmate, Aaron Bailey (he was in her preschool class a year ago), Jesse does an Elvis-styled rendition of “The Farmer in the Dell” for about 15 seconds before refusing to play the kids any more songs.  Seriously, if I was the teacher, I’d prefer no help over this guy, although I’d say the same thing if I was Danny Tanner and that sure hasn’t yielded any results.  Next, the teacher assigns Jesse to hand out animal crackers, because I guess this classroom has no enriching activities whatsoever, just poorly-devised entertainment, followed by snacks.

Jesse is quickly frustrated and overwhelmed by the dispensing of snacks, so much so that he is unaware when Aaron jacks Michelle for her elephant cracker.  When Michelle reports the problem to Jesse, he says that when somebody does something shitty to you, you should do it back to them, so she ought to steal his cracker in return.  Michelle confronts Aaron, armed with her newly established Old Testament code of ethics, which results in a riveting battle of pinches.  That’s right, Aaron Bailey, you pinch that rotten child!  Pinch her, and then PUNCH HER IN THE FACE!!!

Sadly, the fight is broken up by the teacher before Aaron has a chance to punch Michelle in the face.  Foiled again!  The teacher makes both the kids sit in the corner and asks Jesse what his fucking problem is that he would instigate a fight between a couple of 4 year olds.  Jesse refuses to admit that he was wrong and the argument escalates until Jesse finally grabs Michelle and declares that he doesn’t want her to go to that school anymore.  Wait, what!??!

While Danny and Rebecca Donaldson kick it old school in the living room, Joey comes home and does a lame post-dental-visit slurred speech about what happened to him, complete with an impression of a drill.  They really milk it when he answers the phone and has an unintelligible conversation that’s supposed to showcase his comedic prowess.  I’m not making a joke when I say that I wish Joey would die.  I really, honestly do.  I wish he would die.

Jesse comes home with Michelle after taking her to the zoo and Danny’s like, what the fuck?  Jesse totally unapologetically admits that he pulled her out of preschool and says he plans to educate her through exposing her to real-world experiences, which, understandably, makes Danny super pissed.  Jesse refuses to see the error in his methods and questions his role in the full house, which seems like the perfect opportunity for Danny to finally realize that these 2 shitheads are doing irreparable damage to his children’s psyches and he really needs to throw them out.

Joey delivers some more excruciating physical comedy, proving that undergoing a root canal procedure is in fact more enjoyable than watching Joey make jokes about having had one.  Stephanie comes home and goes on about how her whore-o-scope has thus far come true, creating a sense of dread and unease within her feeble psyche.  She goes upstairs and shares her distress with DJ and Kimmie Gibbler, who admits that she just copied the horoscope out of an old newspaper so it’s all a bunch of bullshit.  Wow, what a great subplot that was!

Michelle enters the room and enforces prison rules when she pinches Stephanie for borrowing her clown lamp.  Jesse witnesses the tyrannical behavior that his incompetent teachings have wrought and decides to have a heartwarming talk with her.

Jesse admits to Michelle that he was “a big jerk” and that he handled the problems of his youth through fighting and only now sees the error behind it.  He instructs her to try to solve her problems with words, and if that doesn’t work she should tell a grown-up.  But… she did tell a grown-up…  that’s how this whole mess got started.  Maybe he should be more specific, like, tell a grown-up that isn’t a fucking idiot.  Anyway, once that’s all cleared up, Danny enters the scene and says that he did damage control with the teacher so Michelle can go back to school.  He asks Michelle what she’s learned and she says, “Uncle Jesse’s a big jerk.”  Dang, it’s too bad Jesse just learned such a valuable lesson, because if this had been an earlier incident he just might have punched her in the face…

So many wasted opportunities…

Posted by: billysuperstar | August 19, 2011

Season 4, Episode 5, “Good News, Bad News”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Joey teaches Michelle how to tell knock-knock jokes and then she tells one to Danny. AWW!!!!!!!!

DJ refuses to play with Michelle because she’s hella busy with her new job as the editor of the school newspaper.  Stephanie enters the room and Michelle decides to bug the shit out of her by repeating everything she says.  Naturally, this is a big hit with the live studio audience, who get all yucked up every time Michelle says anything.

Now that I’ve had to watch all 3 stupid Tanner sister act like idiots for a few minutes, I am rewarded by the onscreen presence of the one and only Kimmie Gibbler.  Kimmie Gibbler decides to use her new foot in the door to bum a job on the school newspaper but DJ tells her that the only one that’s not taken is sports editor.  Kimmie Gibbler says she wants the job but is forced to make sad puppy dog faces before DJ is convinced to give it to her.  Ugh…  I know that I’ve developed this unwavering dedication to Kimmie Gibbler since she’s the only rad character on this show, but this scene…  that puppy dog face…  I don’t know…

Now that they’ve convinced Danny to move all of his stored memorabilia out of the attic so they could use it as their new studio space, the uncles waste all their time up there waiting for the phone to ring and messing around with the dog.  Rebecca Donaldson comes up with Danny who, instead of asking these guys why they’re draining all of his resources while contributing nothing in return, tells them that he got them the job as the directors of the new promo ad for Wake Up, San Francisco.  Let that be a lesson to all of you hard workers out there:  put all of your efforts into meeting famous people and mooching off of them.

As they begin to plan the promo, it comes to light that Rebecca Donaldson is pretty sick of Danny being the headliner of the show because he’s completely incompetent and the majority of their viewers tune in exclusively to stare at her hot ass.  You go, girl!

Meanwhile, down at school newspaper headquarters, DJ gets the school lunch report from Bitterman.  Hey, it’s Bitterman!  Remember him?  He was that kid with the really shitty haircut who got it on with Kimmie Gibbler at DJ’s birthday party last season.  I sure never thought I’d see that guy again…  Anyway, I guess he and Kimmie Gibbler had a pretty messy break-up, because he immediately starts trying to convince DJ to fire her as sports editor and hire him instead.

Just then, Kimmie Gibbler comes in with her sports article, an interview with the equipment manager of the basketball team that’s all about why Kimmie Gibbler wants to bang him.  DJ says the article is a big piece of shit and needs to be rewritten and Kimmie Gibbler’s like, go fuck yourself, at which point Bitterman’s claims of unfair hiring practice are validated and DJ looks like an asshole in front of her new staff.  DJ tries to save face by telling Kimmie Gibbler that she’s shitcanned if she doesn’t rewrite the article and Kimmie Gibbler says that they are no longer friends and storms out.

I like the parallel that’s being worked into this episode, with both plots seeming to follow the theme of facing the consequences of hiring your idiot friends.  Usually this show’s structure isn’t that thought out.  I wonder how the uncles will inevitably fuck up the Wake Up, San Francisco promo…

Michelle continues to plague Stephanie by repeating everything she says.  DJ comes home and declares that she’s never speaking with Kimmie Gibbler ever again and Stephanie’s like, “fuck yeah” and then Michelle’s like, “fuck yeah.”

Kimmie Gibbler comes over to taunt DJ with her new paper, The Gibbler Gazette, which is all about what an asshole DJ is.  Oh, man, I would totally subscribe to that newspaper!  Can you imagine a weekly article about how stupid and lame the members of the full house are?  Man, that would be amazing…

How many scenes on this show are there going to be where something is being filmed and it goes really poorly?  I don’t even want to talk about it anymore, but, guess what?  Danny and Rebecca Donaldson get into a big argument while the commercial is being filmed and the uncles have absolutely none of the skills required to handle the situation.  Also, it goes on for like, forever.

DJ works on the school paper in the dining room while all the subplots of the episode orbit around her.  Stephanie continues to be tormented by Michelle repeating everything she says (this has been going on for DAYS now), and the uncles come home to report that the commercial went well despite the large numbers of takes that were necessary because Danny and Rebecca Donaldson were acting like assholes.  Wait, what?  So I was just projecting when I said that I liked the parallel lesson about don’t hire your shitty friends?  That’s not what this episode is about at all?  Apparently the uncles being terrible at their job has no effect on the storyline…  That’s what I get for ever trying to read anything into this show.  Man, just forget it.

So what’s this episode even about?  Well, Danny and Rebecca Donaldson enter the full house and continue arguing, because I guess they’ve just been arguing in close proximity to each other for hours now, like we saw them arguing on the set, then I guess they got in the car and argued with each other the whole time they drove back to the full house, then they walked up to the back entrance and opened the door and were still arguing.  The only thing that can make them stop arguing is when DJ tells everyone that she’s writing a lengthy editorial for the paper about what a shitty jerk Kimmie Gibbler is.  Everyone gets all concerned and says that she and Kimmie Gibbler have always been homies so they shouldn’t be such assholes to each other, which reminds Danny and Rebecca Donaldson that they shouldn’t be assholes to each other, either.  So I guess this episode is about forgiveness?  Or putting up with your shitty friends?  I don’t know, and why would I even care at this point?  But I like how no one ever mentions that it’s totally wrong to use your editorial power to publish a bunch of shitty stuff about someone just because you’re mad at them.  I guess no one in the full house has any respect for editorial integrity whatsoever, or morning show integrity, or directorial integrity, or just any kind of integrity at all.

So, wait, this shit’s not even over yet?  I know, I kind of thought it was, too.  Kimmie Gibbler comes over to give DJ all her shit back, plus she wants all her shit back that DJ has, too.  The items returned include:  A Bannanarame tape, a fanny pack, legwarmers, pineapple lip gloss, and an Eric Estrada CHiPs action figure, and it’s hard not to make some lame joke about these being hot items for Williamsburg hipsters, or Portland hipsters, or just any kind of hipsters.  So, yeah, Kimmie Gibbler and DJ’s stuff is the same kind of shit that hipsters like.  There, that’s the joke.

So all of these items stir up warm memories, and so DJ and Kimmie Gibbler settle their differences and have a hug.  Kimmie Gibbler is given a new job as the author of the school gossip column and Stephanie is hella pissed that their friendship has been salvaged.  Stephanie then gets Michelle to copy everything that Kimmie Gibbler says instead of her and that’s it.

So I hope you all learned a valuable lesson about forgiveness.  Never mind that Rebecca Donaldson really does deserve equal billing on Wake Up, San Francisco, and never mind that Kimmie Gibbler totally deserved to be fired from the school paper.  Forgive your friends, and give them hugs.

Posted by: billysuperstar | August 12, 2011

Season 4, Episode 4, “Slumber Party”

Pre-Credits Gag:  DJ helps Michelle finish her block structure and then Michelle knocks it over and smiles like the devil.  THE DEVIL!!!

Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson publish their wedding announcement in the newspaper but his name is written as “Jersey” by accident so he gets all pissed.  You’d think that Jesse would be coming to terms right about now with the fact that he will spend the rest of his life playing second fiddle to his way more talented and impressive wife, but I guess he’s not gonna go out without a fight.  After the comedic potential of that little scenario is explored for a few precious moments, Stephanie comes home and interrupts everyone by announcing that she wants to quit the Honeybees.  She refuses to go to the upcoming Honeybee slumber party and runs up to her room like a big fucking baby.  Danny’s like, “oh, she doesn’t wanna go because it’s a mother/daughter thing and her mom lies a-smoldering in her grave.”  Danny then asks Rebecca Donaldson is she’ll take Stephanie and Rebecca Donaldson’s like, “aint no thang, except I’m gonna be in Tahoe that day, but I’ll be back that evening so it’s no big deal.”  Hmm…  kinda makes you wonder why she’d mention it…?  Anyway, Rebecca Donaldson goes up to Stephanie’s room and offers to take her to the slumber party, then they hug, then they sing the Honeybee song.

Danny takes the uncles up to the attic, where they’re planning on setting up a work space for their new careers.  The uncles take a glance at all of Danny’s memorabilia that’s stored up there and immediately start pressuring him to sell it.  That’s pretty shitty if you ask me.  The only reason Danny doesn’t have room to store all that stuff is because these 2 fuckheads are using up all the space in his gigantic house.  Why don’t they just use the big check that Danny wrote them last episode to rent a studio space?  Why was a big check not enough for these guys?  Lucky for them, Danny has no self-respect, and is therefore easily persuaded into selling all of his precious memories at a garage sale that upcoming weekend to make room for the uncles’ latest idiotic endeavor.

While Stephanie prepares for the Honeybee slumber party, she finds out that Kimmie Gibbler will be sleeping in her bed as she and DJ have their own sleepover.  Stephanie’s pretty pissed about it but I for one welcome this change.  Oh, if only Kimmie Gibbler would replace Stephanie permanently.  Seriously, that kid’s really worn out her screen time.  I can’t think of a single reason why they shouldn’t give her the Judy Winslow treatment.  Anyway, while all of this is going on, Jesse and Michelle walk into the room for pretty much no reason and explain that Jesse’s gonna take Michelle clothes shopping.  Jesse’s wearing his old leather jacket that we haven’t seen since like the first Season, which seems like some sort of a set-up if you ask me…

At the garage sale, Joey gives Danny a hard time for charging way too much money for all of his crappy stuff.  Jesse returns from the clothing store with Michelle in biker gear just like his, which makes the audience lose their fucking minds.  I don’t really get this…  I mean, I kind of get that Jesse decides to dress the kid up like himself, but what’s extra weird about it is that Jesse stopped dressing like this a few Seasons ago, and has been sporting a full on Bill Cosby style ever since.  So if he’s that much of a narcissist that he decided to make a little girl emulate his outfits, why’d he go back to the shit he was wearing 2 years ago?  I guess the answer is that in the early 90’s anyone would use any excuse to put shades and a leather jacket on anything, so there’s probably nothing more to it than that.

Anyway, Danny is understandably appalled that Jesse bought his child a Halloween outfit to wear to school and makes the uncles watch the garage sale while he takes Michelle back to the store.

Rebecca Donaldson calls up Stephanie to tell her that her car broke down on the way back from Tahoe and she can’t take her to that lame slumber party for nerds.  Stephanie gets all butt hurt and expresses her pathos to Comet while sad music plays and the audience goes, “aww.”

Seriously, if Stephanie just disappeared from the show with no explanation, would anybody mind at all?

After the commercial break, Joey enters the scene and offers to take Stephanie to the sleepover.  Stephanie is pretty apprehensive about it because Joey’s presence in her life is a constant source of humiliation, but since she really doesn’t have any other options, she accepts.

Joey’s arrival at the Honeybee sleepover is pretty ill-received.  I’ve got to say, as much as I’d be upset with Joey’s presence at any engagement I was hosting, I’m pretty shocked at how callous and unaccepting these other Honeybees are.  I mean, come on, Stephanie’s mom is dead.  It’s not like these kids don’t know that.  You’d think that they’d be willing to accommodate the special circumstance of a kid with a dead mom at mother/daughter events, even if it required the inclusion of her annoying, piece of shit uncle.  What really bothers me the most about this situation is that it made me speak out in defense of Joey.

The other weird thing about this scenario is that we actually get to see Stephanie behave the way any kid really would if they had to deal with Joey all the time.  He makes a bunch of lame jokes that bomb with the horde of girls and Stephanie just stands there looking totally mortified the whole time.  Seriously, why isn’t it always like this?

Danny comes home after buying Michelle some cornball ass Little House on the Prairie dress and Jesse tells her that he’s sorry that she has to wear that lame bullshit.  She tells him that she likes the dress way better than that biker gear he bought for her and then Jesse realizes that he was forcing her to dress like he does, just like his own dad used to do to him, and apologizes.  Wow, that’s like the most psychological depth they’ve ever written into this show, and it happened in like 30 seconds of a secondary addendum to a b-plot.

Anyway, Jesse tells Danny that he ended up putting all of his shit in storage, except for a few choice pieces of memorabilia that he left at the full house for Danny’s enjoyment.  This exchange is interrupted by the phone ringing, with Joey on the other end calling to talk about nothing in particular other than it’s time to transition the scene back to the slumber party.

Joey, while sporting some pretty spectacular Ninja Turtle pajamas, loses a high-heels relay race, shaming Stephanie ever further.  I’m not really sure if it’s because he lost, or because he was wearing high heels, or if this is just the point in Stephanie’s life where she finally realizes what a total dipshit Joey is.  Anyway, the focus abruptly shifts yet again as one of the girls calls out that it’s time to play beauty parlor.  Man, this slumber party is intense!  It’s just nonstop group activities, one after another, and each one ends instantaneously when some girl calls out what the next activity is and everyone swiftly assembles for it.

The head mom at the sleepover realizes that it might be pretty awkward to try to play beauty parlor with Joey in the mix and so she tries to suggest a different activity.  The girls are like, “fuck that shit, we wanna play muthafuckin beauty parlor, we don’t care who’s mom’s dead,” and then Stephanie gets all upset and storms out.

Meanwhile, back at the full house, Danny, Michelle and Jesse get down to Danny’s old 8-track recording of “Shake Your Booty.”  Their festivities are cut short by Stephanie storming in, with Joey in tow.  I guess the slumber party was happening in the same neighborhood or something?  Stephanie freaks out and runs up to her room and the dads all just stand around not knowing what the fuck to do.  Danny tries to talk with Stephanie but DJ decides that she’s got some heartwarming, music-inducing words to share.

Stephanie cries and says that it sucks dick to have a dead mom and DJ admits that she too suffers from the occasional bout of mom-envy.  DJ says that that she tries to focus less on the fact that their mother is a festering pile of maggot infested flesh and more on the fact that they have 3 idiotic dads who love them.  But… wasn’t that the whole problem to begin with?  How can she tell Stephanie that it’s ok that their mom is dead because they have Jesse and Joey when this entire episode was just one big long example of how shitty that can be?  Isn’t every aspect of their life more awful because their mom is dead and Joey takes care of them instead?  Maybe DJ should’ve just given her some Zoloft instead.

Anyway, Stephanie makes up with Joey right before DJ takes her back to the slumber party. Why didn’t DJ just take her in the first place?

As baffling as this episodes message was to me, the thing that really blew my mind is that the person who really fucked up everything was Rebecca Donaldson.  Up until this point, she had done no wrong.

Firsts:  The attic, Rebecca Donaldson fucks up

Posted by: billysuperstar | August 5, 2011

Season 4, Episode 3, “The I.Q. Man”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle reads Comet a bedtime story, then she tries to hide him in her bed but Danny finds him when he tucks her in.

Stephanie comes down with a cold so Michelle tries to help her out by putting some of the fried chicken that’s always in the refrigerator into the dog’s water bowl.  I just realized how ironic it is that the whitest family on planet Earth would have an endless supply of fried chicken in their refrigerator, but I’ll take it as one of the many hidden clues that this show is actually anti-white propaganda (if you look real close, you can see that Louis Farrakhan has an executive producer credit at the end).  I also like that we finally get to see the bucket that the chicken comes in, so if any of you were wondering where all that delicious fried chicken comes from, they get it at this great place in San Francisco called, “Chicken.”

Let’s hear it for production design!

The uncles get ready to go do a big pitch to a client but then they realize that they have to stay home because Stephanie is sick and THE FUCKING WATERS PART FOR ALL OF THE GIRLS IN THE FULL HOUSE!!!  Kimmie Gibbler comes over to meet DJ for school and the two of them invite the uncles to come in and present at career day next week.  The uncles  accept and then Danny tries to horn in on career day but the kids tell him that one kid got his aunt, Connie Chung, to come in and so by contrast Danny would be totally lame.  That’s what you get for sucking so hard at your job, Danny Tanner.  I never saw Connie Chung stammering and flailing around on her show.  Not once.

The uncles hold their presentation in Joey’s gross basement bedroom because Stephanie’s sick and also they probably tore down the set of their office from last season.  After the client tries to put the moves on Jesse, Joey begins their cologne presentation but it is immediately interrupted by Stephanie.

I know that she always interrupts everyone every time she enters a room, but this time she actually walks out right into the middle of the uncles presentation and declares that, “the sneeze juice is backing up into my ears!”  God Damn, wouldn’t this be the one time that someone reacted appropriately to her endless interrupting?  Can’t Joey just this once explain that he only needs like 5 fucking minutes to do his job before he’ll go back to doing whatever she wants all the time, so can she please not walk out right into the middle of his presentation and make a big announcement about what a disgusting pain in the ass she is?  But, no, of course not, he just stops what he’s doing and gives her some nose drops while the client sits there like, “what the fuck?”

So anyway, the uncles finally get to their presentation, which puts Jesse in the role of “the I.Q. man,” who’s like a fancy guy that wears the cologne that they’re trying to sell.  They go through a long routine and we find the uncles in one of their most homoerotic moments ever when Joey plays the love interest.  There’s a long take where John Stamos genuinely starts laughing and they left it in, I guess to show us just once that someone on this show had actual blood in their veins.

After the pitch is done, the client looks at them with disapproval and says,  “that made absolutely no sense…” and then, wait for it… wait for it… “it’s perfect…”  Oh!  I did not see that coming!  And I always react to stuff by emoting the opposite evaluation and saying something misleading before I unveil that my actual reaction is in stark contrast to my initial response, too.

Once the client agrees to buy the ad, they slip in real quick that Joey will be the director and then the client insists that Jesse play the I.Q. man in the actual commercial.  Jesse says he doesn’t want to do it so Joey tries to talk him into it before their boss, Mr. Malatesta, tells them they he’d better do it or he’ll fuck their shit up, at which point Jesse agrees.

DJ and Kimmie Gibbler tell Danny that it turned out that the kid who said his aunt was Connie Chung was a big fuckin’ liar and then Danny gets all smug and antagonistic about them crawling back to him.  Rebecca Donaldson quickly interjects by saying that she’ll be their career day guest so then the girls tell Danny to go fuck himself and for a second it seems like something actually kind of funny will happen on Full House, but then the girls ask Danny to come after all.  See, right there’s a big problem with Full House that I don’t think I’ve gotten to before:  no one ever gets their comeuppance.  Everything’s always so fuckin’ hunky dory at the end of every storyline, so we never get to see anyone eat shit.  Can’t we just once experience the cathartic joy of seeing Danny get dissed by his kid without there being some emotionally accommodating resolution at the end?  Why can’t this show ever just let me laugh at anyone’s pain?  This was just one lame, incidental subplot… most people wouldn’t even have noticed.  Well, shit.

So, just to be clear here:  Joey is the director of the I.Q. Man ad.  For reals?  I thought that these guys wrote radio ads.  I had no idea that Joey was also directing commercials.  Anyway, Jesse shows up to the set and gets all pissed because there have been a bunch of weird changes made to the commercial.  The client has decided to compound her sexual harassment campaign on Jesse by turning the commercial into her own personal whacking material, and so Jesse is being forced to perform his lines in a little towel.

As the shoot proceeds, Jesse gets more and more uncomfortable and talks to Joey about how he feels exploited.  Joey, being unable to comprehend normal human emotions, continues with the shoot unaffected.  The shoot proceeds to go as cartoonishly poorly as all the other film recordings we’ve ever seen on this show (which got me wondering why this show has such a blatant disrespect for television production until i realized that the answer was self-evident), complete with the client chasing Jesse around with scissors while she tries to cut his towel shorter.

Jesse eventually tell Mr. Malatesta that he’s not going to do the commercial and then when Mr. Malatesta gives him an ultimatum, Jesse quits.  He then says a bunch of stuff about partnership and stuff to Joey, who decides that he was being a butthole and quits, too.  And that’s it, the uncles have quit their jobs as jingle writers/directors/whatever for Mr. Malatesta.  It seemed pretty abrupt and unnecessary, especially since Mr. Malatesta always let them work from home and put up with them fucking everything up all the time, but considering that I had assumed that the uncles would just start new jobs without any mention of this career at all, I’m actually kind of impressed with the content of this episode.  I’m always talking about how this shows creators don’t give a shit about continuity and character arcs, but in this case I have to admit that they gave a little shit.

For some reason DJ is the MC of career day, so she excuses the previous presenter and then introduces Danny and Rebecca Donaldson.  Wouldn’t it be an adult’s job to do that stuff?  I’m not even sure if there’s a teacher in this classroom…  Anyway, Danny and Rebecca Donaldson’s presentation is totally fucking shitty so Kathy Santoni and the other kid’s just start asking them a bunch of questions about Connie Chung.  The total dud of a presentation is cut graciously short by the arrival of the uncles, but since they’ve just quit their careers, they don’t give much of a presentation, either.  Kimmie Gibbler deduces that they’ve lost their jobs and then the bell rings, leaving only the members of the full house alone in the classroom to talk about what happened.  Seriously, where’s the teacher?

The family all talk about the uncles quitting their jobs and Danny suggests that they go into business for themselves.  DJ passes on her freshly-learned knowledge about small business loans and the uncles decide to give it a shot.

Jesse and Joey are rejected for their small-business loan on the grounds that they are retarded.  Why do these guys even need a loan, anyway?  They just quit their lucrative advertising careers and they don’t even pay rent or anything.  What did they spend all their money on, balloon animals?  As if two well-off white men applying for a loan so they can continue to make way too much money doing something they’re terrible at wasn’t offensive enough, the whitest, corniest man of all resolves their trivial financial worries by handing them a big gigantic check that they didn’t earn.

Kill the white man.

Posted by: billysuperstar | July 29, 2011

Season 4, Episode 2, “Crimes and Michelle’s Demeanor”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Jesse finally redecorates his room and gets rid of the pink bunnies on the walls.  He’s concerned that it will upset Stephanie because they were left over from when it was her room, but she doesn’t give a shit.  Michelle comes in and makes some really obnoxious sad faces over the loss of the pink bunnies and then Jesse reveals that he’s framed one and left it up, appeasing her for the ten millionth time.  Although this pre-credits gag doesn’t really set up the premise for the episode, it does lay out the theme pretty well, as this one’s all about how the older sisters are yesterday’s news and Michelle’s emotions will be the deciding factor in all the matters of the full house from now on.

DJ, Stephanie, and the living legend known as Kimmie Gibbler are all hanging out watching the music video awards when Michelle walks in and hits Stephanie right in the face with a pillow!

Damn!  That was harsh!  That shit came out of nowhere, too.  I feel so conflicted over it…  on the one hand, that has to be the single most aggressively obnoxious action I’ve ever seen on this show, which is saying so much that I don’t even want to get into it.  On the other hand, I got to see Stephanie get hit in the face, so it was kind of awesome.

Pretty soon a riotous pillow fight breaks out and before you know it a window is broken.  Danny rushes in to see what the fuck is going on and, after assessing the situation, doles out punishments to everyone but Michelle.  The girls tell Danny that it’s fucking bullshit that he doesn’t bring that hideous monkey baby to justice but it falls on deaf ears.  So, there you go, they finally acknowledged that Michelle is a total bitch and that Danny never does anything about it.  As I’ve mentioned many times, you can never tell when someone’s behavior is going to be considered acceptable by the other characters, because pretty much all of their behavior is totally unacceptable most of the time, so it’s always kind of nice when you see someone getting called out on their bullshit.

Joey helps Jesse pick out an engagement ring for Rebecca Donaldson from this scuzzy jeweler played by Paul Wilson, who I recognized because he played a number of different small roles on the Larry Sanders Show.  You ever watch that show?  It’s really good!  It’s like, the opposite of Full House.  It’s subtle and has interesting characters, it’s well written and performed, and I like watching it.  Maybe I should just talk about how good the Larry Sanders Show is for the rest of this entry…

Naw, I couldn’t do that.  Full House is my thang.  Ok, so, anyway, Jesse tries to get the best ring he can off the scuzzy dealer and then Rebecca Donaldson shows up and sees a big expensive one and hella wants it.  A couple of the characters make remarks about how it’s weird that the dealer’s at the full house instead of in a store and it seemed for a second that this was gonna be an episode about Jesse getting ripped off by a shady fellow but *SPOILER ALERT* we never see Paul Wilson after this scene and I guess the reason for the strange circumstance, as is so often the explanation, is because they didn’t want to build a new set.

Michelle refuses to go to bed and demands that the dad’s sing her the Teddy Bear Song and they totally just do what she says.  After the song is over they turn out the lights and leave the room and then have a talk about how Jesse’s decided to sell his signed Elvis guitar to pay for Rebecca Donaldson’s bourgeois ring.  Their conversations  in interrupted by Michelle, who is out of bed and strutting around the Full House like she fuckin’ owns the place.  You can’t really blame her for it, either.  If you were able to instigate pillow fights blame-free and command people to sing a song about teddy bears at your whim and fancy then you’d feel pretty entitled, too.  We’re exploring root causes here, people.

So Michelle just totally blows off the dads when they tell her to get her ass to bed and then they stand around trying to figure out what to do about it.  Joey argues that it’s so difficult to tell her what to do because she’s so adorable, and then he gives an impression of her giving the thumbs up and saying, “you got it, dude.”  Oh, god damn.  That’s Joey doing an impression of Michelle saying her catch-phrase.  What unholy alchemy did it take to bring those elements together?  Can you think of a more horrible combination of pain and misery in all of creation?  It’s worse than being raped by someone who’s on fire.

So now that the show has spent a bunch of screen time touting it’s own smug view of Michelle, they switch over to the older, less marketable kids’ scenario.  Interestingly enough, this scene actually contains the exact moment where Stephanie has identifiably lost the last of her little kid charm.

That’s it, you guys, Stephanie is not cute at all anymore.  She will never say anything likeable or even be endearingly awful again.  From here on out she just sucks.  Maybe that’s why they’re pushing Michelle so hard?

Danny catches the girl trying to watch the music video awards through Kimmie Gibbler’s window and tells them to go to bed.  They tell him that it’s fucking bullshit, once again, that they’re in trouble and being forced to go to bed when Michelle is parading around the house doing whatever she wants and Danny’s just like, “Michelle’s my little princess.”

The dads make another attempt to put Michelle to bed but she pleads with them through the door of her room until they eventually cave in.  Before making a b-line for downstairs, Michelle yells, “let’s party, dudes!” solidifying that this episode would in fact make for an excellent drinking game if you took a shot every time she said a phrase that ended with, “dude.”

Down in the living room, Michelle eats junk food and watches Arsenio Hall.  Whatever happened to that guy?  He was a late night talk show phenomenon for like 4 years and then he just totally disappeared.  That’s one of those things that make you go, “hmm…?”  Remember when the Olsen twins went on Arsenio?  They gave a worse interview than Jason Voorhies (if you don’t believe me, youtube that shit.).  Just to hold on to a tangent for another minute so I can actually talk about something I remember fondly, I’d have to say that the greatest episode of the Arsenio Hall Show that I can remember seeing is the one where they settled the rap feud between “Whoomp There it is” and “Whoot There it is.”  A lot of people got together to make history that night.

Oh yeah so anyway Danny eventually comes down and lectures Michelle about the importance of a good night’s sleep, which immediately bores her into unconsciousness.  Wah Wah!

The next day the two older sisters work off their punishment by raking a bunch of leaves and then Michelle actually comes in and starts kicking their leaf piles and throwing them around and stuff.  DJ tells Michelle that if she’s gonna fuck up their shit then she has to clean it up herself and then Danny sees Michelle raking the leaves and gets all pissed at DJ and Stephanie again.  Can this get any more fucking excruciating!??!

Yes, yes it can.  Michelle decides that she wants to go swimming in her little pool and when Danny tells her that it’s too cold she drags it into the kitchen.  DJ and Stephanie decide to passively ignore the situation and continue on with their leaf raking.

Rebecca Donaldson interrupts Jesse and Joey’s jingle-writing session to tell Jesse that she had his ring appraised and that she found out that it was hella expensive and he had to sell his Elvis guitar to pay for it.  She surprises him by buying back the the Elvis guitar but his masculinity gets all threatened and he refuses to accept it.  Rebecca Donaldson then proceeds to very tactfully smooths out the situation without ever pointing out that she makes way more money than he ever will.  Rebecca Donaldson, how do you do it?

DJ and Stephanie gleefully narc out Michelle after she sets up her pool in the kitchen but then Danny just blames them for not stopping her.  OH MY GOD!!!  If this story doesn’t end with Danny realizing that his baby is a fucking villain and dropping her down a smokestack then I just don’t know if I can do this anymore.

Well Danny at least finally realizes that he has never doled out any discipline to the brattiest child that ever walked the face of the Earth so he finally decides to make some sort of an effort by having a very special talk with her as the music comes on.  He explains that since her her mom is smoldering in the ground, Michelle is his last chance to have a baby so he never wanted her to grow up, but she’s gonna grow up no matter what and she’s already turning into a real bitch so he’s gonna have to start punishing her sometimes.

Usually after the music and the hugging, the show has the good graces to at least be over, but this episode just can’t stop being terrible so we get one last scene of Michelle finishing up her punishment of sitting in the corner.  Danny comes in and explains some more about how she’d better start fucking listening to him and the uncles or they’re going to bring a shitstorm around her neck like she’s never seen before and then he tucks her into bed.  As if that wasn’t the worst fucking episode of the whole series, which it totally was because of the gleeful celebration of that baby’s stupid obnoxious bullshit that ran throughout almost every scene, there’s one final moment that just totally stabs you in the nuts with it’s contrived cornball sentiment.  Michelle looks at Danny and says, “am I still your little princess?” and then after the audience goes, “aww,” he gives a big nerdy thumbs-up and says, “you got it, dude!”

Oh my god you guys I don’t think I can do this anymore.  I had really honestly forgotten how much worse this show gets.  Those first 3 Seasons were nothing compared to this.  I thought that they’d settled into a garbage-coated plateau of awfulness but apparently that was just a brief stagnant period before the show began to ascend to the next level of intolerably obnoxious shit.  Today I hate this show so much more than I ever thought I could.  One can only wonder what tomorrow will bring.

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