Posted by: billysuperstar | November 25, 2011

Season 4, Episode 19, “The Wedding-Part 2”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle recaps the events of the previous episode.

As Jesse flails around helplessly while hanging from a tree, a friendly yokel pulls up in his tomato truck and agrees to try to help him get down.  The news that it may take 2 or 3 hours to free him doesn’t sit well with Jesse, who’s already late to his wedding, so he removes his harness and drops down onto the tomatoes, which break his fall.

The yokel’s like, “hey, asshole, I was trying to help you and you fucked up all my tomatoes,” and Jesse’s not even sorry.  The yokel starts to get ornery and explains that Jesse had better watch his ass because they’re in tomato country, where they don’t take kindly to the pushy, egomaniacal behavior of city folk.  Tomato country?  I actually grew up right near San Francisco and I’ve certainly never heard of tomato country.  I’ve heard of wine country, which would make perfect sense in this scenario, but not tomato country.  I’ve also never seen such cartoonish yokels  in any part of California.  If some dirty hippie had picked up Jesse in his van that ran on corn oil I’d totally believe it, but this backwoods fellow?  Not so much.

So, get this:  Jesse straight up tries to steal the tomato truck.  Like it’s not enough that he already ruined this guys whole load of tomatoes or something.  Luckily, the tomato guy’s cousin is the sheriff (because everyone is related in tomato country), who pulls up just that minute and arrests Jesse before he can drive off.

DJ and Stephanie continue to make their wedding documentary by filming Rebecca Donaldson as she stands around crying.  Everyone kills time by making corny jokes until Jesse calls to ask Rebecca Donaldson if she’ll come to tomato country and bail him out of prison.  Rebecca Donaldson misses her ten millionth sign from the universe that this Jesse character is just absolutely no good and heads off to go get him.

As Danny and Joey figure out how to stall the wedding guests, Jesse’s parents come up and ask what the fuck is going on.  Oh, wow, they brought back Grandma and Grandpa!  Having not seen them in about 2 Seasons, I totally wouldn’t even have thought about it if they hadn’t made an appearance in this episode, but there they are!

Jesse pleads with the sheriff to release him from the clink but the sheriff just stands around eating a tomato, not havin’ it.

Rebecca Donaldson shows up and she’s like, “what the fuck, Jesse?  Seriously, couldn’t you not fuck up just one thing ever?”  Jesse explains that he had a long talk with her dad about how lame everything is gonna be once he’s married so he wanted to go have one last adventure first.

Rebecca Donaldson’s like, “sucka, this pussy is the greatest adventure you are ever gonna have” and then they make up.  The sheriff is so touched by their unhealthy relationship that he agrees to release Jesse and drop all the charges.  He opens the cell, hands them a basket of tomatoes and sends them on their way.

Rebecca Donaldson’s car got towed while she was getting Jesse out of jail so the two of them flag down a bus.

The bus is filled with a gospel choir and the driver explains that they aren’t heading to San Francisco but once he recognizes Rebecca Donaldson as the host of Wake Up, San Francisco he decides to just do whatever she wants.  He even lets her drive!

Danny, Joey and Jesse’s parents try to stall the wedding crowd by leading a chorus of, “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” (great song for a wedding…), until Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson finally arrive.

So you’d think the rest of the ceremony would go off without a hitch, right?  Michelle gets about halfway down the aisle before calling out, “Stop the wedding!” because she ran out of flowers to throw.  Danny runs up to console her by telling her that it’s the architect of the church’s fault for making the building too long and then he actually gets the wedding guests to applaud her effort.  Root causes, y’all.  Root causes.

Finally, Rebecca Donaldson walks down the aisle, giving everyone boners.  She and Jesse exchange rings and all that shit and then it’s announced to the crowd that Jesse wants to pledge his love with music.  Jesus Christ, it’s not bad enough that he made these people wait forever for him to even show up, now they gotta sit through this shit, too?  That’s the problem with struggling musicians.  Every social gathering’s just some excuse for them to hype their shit.

Jesse sings, “Forever,” which becomes his big song that he sings all the time throughout the rest of the series.  What’s the deal with this song?  Did he play it with the Beach Boys or something?  Anyway, I kind of thought that the gospel choir who were riding in the bus that Rebecca Donaldson stole would be pretty upset, but apparently they aren’t after all because they actually decide to back Jesse up as performs his song.  I guess he taught them the lyrics on the bus ride over or something?  I can’t help but feel bad for all the families in Oakland that are just sitting in an empty church right now like, “well, I guess the choir’s not coming today…”

Since Jesse’s stupid song goes on for like 10 million years, there’s some cut-away footage, including a photo montage of Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson growing up.  There’s also a bunch of clips of scenes of them together from previous episodes, and then, presumably because there’s not a lot of footage of them doing anything outside of the full house, there are a bunch of really cheap looking new shots of them hanging out in a park.  It’s pretty easy to forgive the poor quality of these shots because one of them brings us the greatest shot of Rebecca Donaldson’s hot ass ever.  Dang, Rebecca Donaldson, how you gonna go and settle for that fool when you got an ass like that?

After the song is finally over,  Rebecca Donaldson has one last chance to come to her senses, but she just goes right ahead and says, “I do.”  And with that fateful declaration, Rebecca Donaldson reaches her tragic end, fully consumed by the full house at last.

Naturally, the wedding reception takes place in the living room of the full house.  Michelle schemes on the cake, Danny polices the guest’s use of coasters, and Joey starts crying as he tries to give a toast.  The first dance is announced and Jesse and Becky give a big speech that recaps their argument from an earlier episode about whether or not their wedding song should be, “Jail House Rock.”  They declare that they made a brilliant compromise and then Jesse starts singing a slow, schlocky rendition of  “Jailhouse Rock.”  That’s the fucking compromise?  She didn’t want the song to be “Jailhouse Rock” and his compromise was that he was just gonna sing it real slow?  And if that wasn’t already stomach-churningly tacky enough for you, after a slow and sappy intro, they break into a full on rock ‘n’ roll rendition and everyone dances vigorously.  So, really, there was no compromise at all.  Not only did Jesse get to pick the wedding song, but he fucking SANG IT HIMSELF!

After cake is eaten and DJ catches the bouquet, Aunt Becky puts on a white Hillary Clinton pantsuit and gets on the back of Jesse’s motorcycle.  And as she rides away to lose her virginity to a greasy, out of work musician, I just can’t help but think of how much better her life would have turned out if she’d never met any of these assholes.  Rebecca Donaldson, there was once such hope for you, but there’s no turning back now.

Firsts:   “Forever” (that shitty song Jesse always sings)

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Responses

  1. damn, rebecca donaldson did have the perfect ass. miss that woman. 😦

  2. Oh man. I already know what the next ep is (yes, I watched Full House enough times to know :P) and I’m giddy to see what you think of it. Because the whole ordeal in the episode with Michelle and Jesse always pissed me off. If you haven’t seen it, you’ll see what I mean.

    • Yep, next episode is when the show hits it’s absolute, skull-bashingly horrendously divine-angering low. It’s even worse than the Christmas episode, because at leastthose are SUPPOSED to be sappy.

      Looking forward!

    • Oh, definitely. You think this wedding shows “root causes” of Michelle’s….Michelle-ness? Just wait until the idea of everyone’s world not existing solely inside Michelle’s little bubble is introduced.

  3. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… This blog is amazing. I don’t remember which episode is next, but by the earlier comments, your next blog post should be interesting.

  4. Oh please, ain’t no way Rebecca Donaldson is a virgin lookin’ like that. That lady gets all the men she wants! The way I see it, settling down with Jesse was her way to end a wild streak.

  5. If anything good can be said about this episode it is that it seems to be light on the (don’t call him uncle) Joey. I bet he’s secretly disappointed that Uncle Jesse made it to the wedding and he didn’t get to tap that sweet Rebecca Donaldson. Being the comedian he is, you just KNOW he would “accidentally” go back door too. What a crack up. Cut-it-out.

  6. Oh you crack me up with your phrases ! I particularly loved the hippy with corn oil engine stuff, the part about tomato country and the Hillary Clinton white pants ! Keep going !!!

  7. Yes, finally caught up. 4 more seasons to go, geez.

  8. Holy shit–I thought I was the only person in the world who secretly took pleasure in hating the shitfest that was Full House. Growing up I watched it sporadically but when Full House was on I would usually get sucked into its cheesy awfulness. I’ve also always had a similar affinity for the car accident quality of Lifetime movies. I always know it is going to be a fucking mess but I just can’t help but stare. This blog is nothing short of amazing.

  9. I’m thankful to every deity in the fucking universe that I’ve never seen an entire episode of Full House. I just powered through this entire blog in like 3 days and it’s the most amazingly hilarious thing I’ve read in a long while. I’m so happy that I don’t actually have to watch this utter shit. Thanks for being awesome!

  10. I just powered through this entire blog in about five days. Thank you for helping me get through finals, working Black Friday, and a terrible flu. You’re doing God’s work.

    I remember watching this show when I was little, probably 7 or 8ish. I never saw it when it aired, only through reruns and I thought it was funny because clearly I hadn’t developed taste yet. However, I rewatched a few episodes recently and I was totally horrified by it all.

    Can’t wait for more!

  11. Love the blog! I seem to recall there being a music video of “Forever” with Jesse’s stupid band. Oh how I hope its a DVD extra

    • i remember what you’re talking about. i think that comes up much later (after Jesse’s spawn are hatched) and i do remember there being a video for it on the show.

  12. this is some funny ass shit dude, Love it!

  13. I found this blog on Huffpost’s “7 Sites You Should Be Wasting Time On Right Now” and started at the beginning. I didn’t stop reading and laughing until I caught up. I remember watching reruns of Full House as a kid and I love to hate this show. Your blog is awesome and hilarious. Keep it up!

  14. Oh boy….where to begin.

    First of all, love the line “sucka, this pussy is the greatest adventure you are ever gonna have.” I would say the writers would be kicking themselves for not using it themselves but that would mean the writers of Full House put any thought or pride into their work.

    Rebecca Donaldson running off to bail out Jersey just to make sure the wedding happens proves to me that she is more in love with the idea of love, marriage, and having a wedding than the man himself. Which explains why Rebecca Donaldson and her hot ass would tolerate Jersey.

    We make fun of the Full House characters for being self centered, but if a gospel choir ditches their gig to sing at your wedding for no real reason on last second notice…how can you not think the world revolves around you?

    I remember a lot from this episode, but I totally forgot the reception was at the full house. WTF!? Look at them, they’re packed in there like sardines. Can anyone even enjoy themselves?

    I know Jersey is an Elvis freak so ofcourse he’d want his first dance to be an Elvis song…but why pick “Jailhouse Rock?” Shouldn’t you just go with “Can’t Help Falling In Love” and be done with it? Sure it’s a bit cliched…but when has that stopped the full house from doing anything?

    And finally, when I was young I was the ring bearer in a wedding ceremony and my sister, who was even younger, was the flower girl. It was a full Catholic ceremony and my sister was standing for a long time in an uncomfortable dress. She basically cried the entire wedding complaining that she wanted to sit down.

    That’s the true story.

    For a long time, into my teen years, I would tell that story but also include that when she first came down the aisle she ran out of flowers, stopped the wedding and grabbed more flowers to use the rest of the way down.

    It was only until I rewatched this episode did I realize that this memory was not my own but a part of this episode of Full House.

    I have no idea what this says about the psychology of children watching television and confusing fantasy with realitiy or what this says about America’s increasing obsession with television and how much a part of our lives its become. Maybe it just means that I was a dumb kid.

    But there you have it. Full House is such a virus that it infected my brain and made me think I was living its events. God help me.

    • The only possible argument I can come up with for using “Jailhouse Rock” instead of “Can’t Help Falling in Love” is that the writers were concerned people wouldn’t immediately identify it as an Elvis song the way they would “Jailhouse Rock”.

      Which is beyond ridiculous, but when have these writers ever shown that they have any respect for the intelligence of the audience?

  15. Here’s my question: how the fuck did Rebecca Donaldson get to the jail? Didn’t she drive? Did she go without any thought as to how she would get back home?

    • Ahh…reading comprehension wasn’t ever my strong suit…

      “Rebecca Donaldson’s car got towed while she was getting Jesse out of jail”

      But seriously, the writers come up with the most trite plot devices known to man.

  16. You know, I’ve started to think of Full House as taking place in an alternate universe, one where the members of the full house are the most important people in the world, and each episode is like an anthropological survey of that universe. This episode teaches us that in this universe, tomatoes grow in San Francisco and you have wedding receptions in your house, because of course you do.

    Tomato country? I actually grew up right near San Francisco and I’ve certainly never heard of tomato country.

    You know, I started wondering if tomatoes can even grow in San Francisco’s climate, but then I realized there’s no way in hell the writers gave it any thought so why should I?

    But holy crap, is that Glenn Morshower, of 24’s Agent Pierce fame, playing the Tomato Yokel? A quick IMDB search tells me…it is! Crazy!

    Everyone kills time by making corny jokes

    At least they didn’t sing…

    Rebecca Donaldson’s car got towed while she was getting Jesse out of jail

    Of course it did.

    You know, my memory of this episode is that Jersey’s quest to get to the wedding took a really long time, and that the actual wedding/reception was just a few minutes tacked onto the end of the episode.

    But it seems like it really didn’t take that long, and my memory is just skewed…

    Danny, Joey and Jesse’s parents try to stall the wedding crowd by leading a chorus of, “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off”

    There it is…

    That’s the problem with struggling musicians. Every social gathering’s just some excuse for them to hype their shit.

    Haha! Funny cuz it’s true…

    I just can’t help but think of how much better her life would have turned out if she’d never met any of these assholes. Rebecca Donaldson, there was once such hope for you, but there’s no turning back now.

    RIP poor, poor Rebecca Donaldson. On the upside, at least the world partially revolves around you too now.

  17. “And with that fateful declaration, Rebecca Donaldson reaches her tragic end, fully consumed by the full house at last.”

    best line ever… RIP Rebecca Donaldson. Welcome Aunt Becky – I’m sure I will soon hate you with the same intensity that I hate the rest. Well maybe not the same as I hate Joey. I fucking hate Joey.

  18. Actually, Sacramento/Lodi grows tomatoes. And some of those assholes are fucking rednecks.

    • that’s like 4 hours away, tho. rebecca donaldson’s trip to tomato country had to have been a lot faster than that.

  19. http://samepicofdavecoulier.tumblr.com/

    The same picture of Dave Coulier, errday.

    You’re welcome.

  20. Finally caught up on these & thought I would post a comment for the first time. This has got to be the greatest thing I have seen on the internet in a long long time, keep it up!

  21. Hello and greetings,
    I have been following your blog for several weeks now. I first saw it on the Huffington Post and I wanted to share with you a story about that fateful day. I am a third year law student and I fucking hate my life. On the day in question I was basically wedged right in the middle of a goddamn 13-hour day of classes and study groups. I was miserable. I was tired. Everything was pissing me off, and to make matters worse, I still had a 3-hour evening class with the world’s most obnoxious professor. But wait! In swooped your blog and holy fuck it turned my day around completely. The only things that have turned a shitty day around so fast are those glorious meatballs that I bought on a whim and ate while watching a rerun of Dexter. Your blog was better than that.

    I just wanted to stop by and say I will be here with you until the bitter end. I think the combination of your wit and clever writing style and the pure fucking ass-hattery of Full House make for one of the best pieces of serial journalism that I have ever had the privilege to lay eyes on. Keep up the good work! Your attention to detail and knack for identifying key plot points (or lack thereof) lends an air of authenticity to this beautiful piece of literary magic. Never stop. You are perfect.

    Valencia

    • thank you so much! nicest comment ever!!!

  22. I love that Rebecca Donaldson is now referred to as Aunt Becky now that the full house has consumed her.

  23. I’ve been reading the blog for a couple weeks and just now finally got through them all. It was a bit weird reading end to beginning, but the show follows a story structure literally no better than entirely backwards, so it actually worked out pretty okay. This is brilliant, and I’m going to hate waiting a week to read a new one every time now.

    It’s nice seeing the blog evolve the more you grow to hate it. In the beginning, reviews were short, pointed out plot holes, and finished. Now there are long rants about the seething hatred of all of the assholes in the house and long discussions about their failings as parents and people. It’s quite beautiful.


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