Posted by: billysuperstar | October 7, 2011

Season 4, Episode 12, “Danny in Charge”

Pre-Credits Gag:  The Dads all tuck Michelle in as her birthday draws to a close and she’s a real pain in the ass about going to bed.  After they leave she gets up and eats an enormous piece of cake that she’s stashed under her bed.

Once again, I am totally amazed by the complete lack of supervision this family provides for their just-turned-4-year-old child.  The saddest part about it is that she never falls down the stairs or eats poison or anything that you’d hope to see, she just gets away with acting like an asshole all the time.  I also find it remarkable that they didn’t bother to base an episode around Michelle’s birthday and only used it for a quick throwaway gag, but considering what I imagine such an episode to be like, I’m grateful for their lack of effort.

Stephanie shows off her science fair project to her sisters: a model of the human brain made out of vegetables.  I can honestly say that it’s the shittiest science fair project I’ve ever seen, on tv or in real life, and that includes the time that Ralph Wiggum presented a box full of star wars action figures.  It’s just a cauliflower with a bunch of other vegetables pinned to it.  It looks like it took 2 minutes to make, and in no way resembles a researched, scientifically accurate depiction of an actual human brain.

Stephanie makes the other girls promise not to tell Danny what her project is because it’s a surprise, unlike the inevitable plot development that’s to come as a result.  Danny comes downstairs and mentions that the uncles are out of town filming a commercial so it’s his first time alone with them in the full house since he kicked his mom out in the first episode.  Danny can hardly remember what the full house was like without 2 worthless assholes around to fuck everything up, and feels that this time should be a special one that he shares with his girls.

Kimmie Gibbler tells DJ (how did I go this long without mentioning that Kimmie Gibbler was there for all this!??!) that Kathy Santoni got sick so she can’t play Juliette in the play, and since DJ’s her understudy she’ll be playing the part.  I feel kinda bad for Kathy Santoni…  Since she’s the only one of DJ and Kimmie Gibbler’s classmates with a name, she always has to be the unfortunate recipient of whatever off-screen circumstances guide the plot.

DJ makes Danny promise to come see her performance on Wednesday and then he prances out of the house singing about what a badass dad he is.  Immediately after he exits, as if the last 80 or so episodes weren’t enough evidence that his claims of skilled parenting weren’t total bullshit, DJ realizes that her stupid play is at the same time as Stephanie’s geeky science fair, so there’s no way he can make it to both.  Why would these girls even want Danny to come to their events anyway?  How are they not totally ashamed of him?

Meanwhile, in the woods, the uncles sit outside of a fox hole with a camera so they can score footage for some lame commercial.  So I guess we’re to assume that they’re working again?  Joey tries to lure the fox out by doing that annoying Mr. Woodchuck impression and Jesse gets all impatient and starts gathering up his shit so he can return to civilization.  He is quickly stopped in his tracks by the appearance of a skunk, and when he asks Joey for help all he’s provided is a shitty impression of Pepe Le Pew.  Seriously, how mad would you be if you were about to get sprayed by a skunk in the woods and that was the only assistance you were offered?  Adding insult to injury, the fox appears while all this is going on so the uncles don’t get their shot.

Danny finds himself overwhelmed with responsibilities at the full house.  DJ comes home and starts grilling his ass about coming to her stupid play and he promises again that he’ll be there.  Stephanie comes down and starts going on about her nerdy ass science fair and Danny realizes that he’s overbooked himself.  Both of the girls immediately revert to shrieking harpies and demand that Danny attend their crappy event.  After a bunch of door slamming and a commercial break, Danny assembles the girls in the kitchen and announces that since he promised Stephanie first, he’ll be attended her nerdy science fair.  DJ gets all pissed but the conflict is seemingly resolved until Danny busts out his vegetable dish for dinner.

Ok, what?  This is totally ridiculous for so many reasons.  First of all, if Danny actually steamed a cauliflower with a bunch of other vegetables pinned to it that he found in his refrigerator and served it to his children then I think that he should have them taken away from him.  I’m pretty sure that the #1 rule of parenting is: do not serve any food that has metal pins in it to your children.  Second, Stephanie treats the steaming of her science project like it’s this big fucking tragedy.  How is her project at all ruined by the steaming?  It looks exactly the same.  Maybe it took seeing it steamed up and served in a pot for her to realize what a shitty project it was in the first place.  But, really, if anything her project is improved by the steaming because it would certainly be more brain-like if it was all soft and squishy.  Well anyway, for whatever reason the science fair is officially ruined and it seems as though DJ will have to bear the shame of having Danny attend her school event after all.

Meanwhile, back in the woods, Jesse wakes Joey up in the morning, prominently emoting a new-found appreciation he feels towards nature.  The 2 of them break out into a rendition of “Happy Trails” and are surrounded by friendly woodland creatures.  As they continue their song the fox appears and Joey is able to film him, and that’s it.  That’s the whole uncles-filming-a-fox-in-the-woods subplot.

In the morning, DJ continues to ride Danny’s ass about going to her stupid play and he promises for the 50th fucking time that he’ll be there.  Stephanie comes downstairs and discovers that her crappy brain model has been reassembled and Danny reveals that he was up all night making her a new one.  Danny, please.  Don’t even try to tell me it took more than 5 minutes to assemble that piece of shit.  Anyway, DJ gets all threatened by the science fair no longer being ruined but Danny explains that he’ll be able to attend half of each event.  This desperate compromise fails to appease either of the bottomless wells of relentless demand that Danny refers to as his daughters and the scene ends with everyone feeling like shit.

After Stephanie and DJ leave for school, Danny goes upstairs to hang out with Michelle before the science fair and he’s like, “damn, those bitches wore me out!” and falls asleep in her bed.  Later on, Stephanie and DJ come home and are both real pissed that Danny didn’t show up to their event.  Once they realize that he wasn’t at either of their events they narcissistically conclude that if he didn’t make it to their stupid school bullshit than he must have died tragically or something.  What other reason could there be!??!  To be fair, the last time one of their parents missed an event was probably when their mom died, but knowing these broads they were probably more upset about her missing their stupid spelling bee or whatever than the fact that she died a fiery, painful death.

The girls frantically search for Danny for about 5 seconds before finding him passed out in Michelle’s bed.  For a split-second they are granted enough empathy to realize that their constant stream of bullshit wore out their poor, unqualified father and they apologize for being such dicks.  The weirdest part about this scene is that the music doesn’t come on until after the valuable lesson is learned, so it’s just playing for seemingly no reason as Danny tells his daughters how great they are and listens to their banal anecdotes about how their events went.  Usually the music has magical conflict-resolution powers, but this time it just feels obligatorily tacked on.  Anyway, that’s the end.

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Responses

  1. Crazy, this is one of the few episodes of which I have absolutely no recollection. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen it.

    I also find it remarkable that they didn’t bother to base an episode around Michelle’s birthday and only used it for a quick throwaway gag

    Maybe it’s because the writers realized how difficult it would be to portray a special event for a child who already gets to do and have whatever she wants?

    I’m pretty sure that the #1 rule of parenting is: do not serve any food that has metal pins in it to your children.

    It’s gotta be in the top 5, at least.

    As they continue their song the fox appears and Joey is able to film him, and that’s it. That’s the whole uncles-filming-a-fox-in-the-woods subplot.

    First of all, they really needed to get that footage themselves? Maybe I’ve grown soft in these heady days of the internet, but there wasn’t stock footage of a fox at the library or something they could have used?

    Secondly, I know animals tend to leave humans alone and aren’t man eating monsters or anything, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to sleep that close to a fox den…

    Don’t even try to tell me it took more than 5 minutes to assemble that piece of shit.

    I love that in the screen cap you can see Danny using a diagram of a brain as a reference, as though anything on that vegetable monstrosity actually corresponds to something on that diagram.

    • I’d agree with you on sleeping that close to the fox den. Mostly because a lot of animals use dens, and if that had been say a badger instead of a fox, well that’d have been a lot less wacky antics and more Jersey and Joey get their faces ripped off.

      Also, help me out here, is it me or are those sleeping bags hilariously close together? Like “We will never talk about what happened at this ‘Camping Trip'” kind of close.

      Of course, it’s not like EVERYTHING ELSE doesn’t suggest that Double J were getting it on.

      Because Jersey is too much for just one woman, even Lori Loughlin.

  2. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I just blew through all of these posts- now I have to wait every week for them to come out 😦

    I’m also bummed because I had what I thought was a brilliant idea to do a review of SBTB (Seriously, I know waaaay too much about that show- I was obsessed with it in my youth. And I only thought about it b/c of that Candace Cameron/Mark Paul Gosseler MFTVM I mentioned the other day.), but the comment section of the last 2 episodes makes me think it’s already in the works here. Of course, there might be one formed already, but I’m too lazy @ this moment in time to google that.

    Seriously, WTF is up w/that “brain” & WHY would that dumbass cook it? On a similar note, I have a vague memory of making a cell model for 6th grade science class & using beans for the mitochondria. You can bet your bottom dollar that no one in my family cooked that & tried to serve it up for dinner.

  3. I’m trying to decide what the worst parenting mistake is: Finding some random vegetables in your refridgerator and steaming it up without inspecting it at all (and thus missing the fact it has metal pins in it) or passing out and leaving a 6 year to have the run of the house without any supervision.

    I would probably go with a third choice, allowing Joey to live in your house with your three daughters.

    Anyway, you would think there was stock footage of a fox. But, how did Jersey and Joey even know where to look for the fox in the first place? Are they avid hunters or something?

  4. This cracked me up haha. I defiently agree about the brain. What idiot would want to cook that? Apparently Danny Tanner.

  5. Ralph’s project was a diorama for diorama-rama not a science fair.

    Love your blog!

    • aw, damn, youre right!

  6. Here’s the most frustrating part of the whole freakin’ thing. Danny says he’s going to go to Stephanie’s science fair first and then go to DJ’s play. They both say that this is unfair because he’ll miss the first part of the play (the only part DJ’s in) and the end of the science fair when Stephanie will get an award. Any parent with an IQ higher than that of a turnip should be able figure out that if he does the exact opposite— goes to DJ’s play and then Stephanie’s science fair– he will catch both DJ’s performance and Stephanie’s awards and no one will be sad. Seriously. Just….seriously. How does he breathe and walk at the same time?

    • Other people talk about how one or two scenes stand out in their minds when they think of Full House. For me, it’s the scene with Stephanie whining her dad will miss the science fair judging while DJ whines he’ll miss her part of the play, while he acts like a spineless waste of life and just takes their abuse.
      I feel this scene really epitomizes the show: a bunch of self-centered morons running around arguing and throwing tantrums for petty, asinine reasons which only overprivileged white people could ever possibly think were that drama-worthy.

      I remember watching this as a preteen and thinking “Really? All three of them are too damn stupid to see the OBVIOUS solution (going to the play first, then the science fair)? How many cocks do these writers take up the ass each day to keep their jobs?”

      When the two daughters bitched at their dad for the millionth time for not giving them everything they want in life, I fucking wanted him to look them both in the eyes, one after the other, and say “This shit? This shit right here? This shit is why your mother fucking killed herself. I lied about how she died to make you both feel better, but fuck it: the two of you fucking drove her to suicide. Now shut up and fuck off or I’ll wait till you’re both asleep, handcuff you to your beds, and set the house on fire.”

  7. *the bottomless wells of relentless demand that Danny calls daughters*

    Funniest sentence I have ever read …

  8. i totally remember the brain. unfortunately, as a stupid fuckhead kid, i thought that shit was super legit.

    • Glad I wasn’t the only naive kid to believe that one…

  9. “Kimmie Gibbler tells DJ (how did I go this long without mentioning that Kimmie Gibbler was there for all this!??!) that Kathy Santoni got sick so she can’t play Juliette in the play”

    STDs are a bitch.

  10. Is it me, or is Romeo & Juliet only performed at tv schools? I’ve never heard of a performance of the play in real-life outside of Shakespeare festivals, but every single school on television seems to have done the show.

    Though kudos to Full House for not going with the cliched plot of having Romeo played by some guy DJ didn’t like and her not wanting to kiss him and then getting to know him better through rehearsals and realizing he’s a good guy and therefore connecting the theme of the play with her real life.

  11. Tis true – this isn’t the diorama-rama, this is much closer to Lisa’s agriculture project where she makes a pig out of an eraser, some push-pins and a spring for his curly tail.


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