Posted by: billysuperstar | April 22, 2011

Season 3, Episode 13, “No More Mr. Dumb Guy”

Pre-Credits Gag:  The girls do Michelle’s hair so she’ll look nice for Grandma.  Seriously, what’s with this whole off-screen Grandma thing?  If they can’t be bothered to ever bring her back on the show again why do they always gotta mention her?  Anyway, the baby looks in the mirror and expresses disappointment that she still looks like herself.  She finds a blonde wig that’s in a basket in her room for some reason and decides that it makes her look like a movie star, which cheers her up.  Sometimes these pre-credits gags are just fluff but then there are times like this, when they seem like windows into the Olsen Twins’ deep-routed psychological problems.

The episode opens with an airing of Wake Up, San Francisco, wherein Rebecca Donaldson sits back as Danny desperately fumbles through a barrage of sexual advances towards their guest, a woman named Cynthia who is putting on a cultural arts festival.  He even goes so far as to spill juice all over her dress and try to dab it up with a towel. What a shameless way to cop a feel.

After the taping is over Danny asks Cynthia to be his date to the festival and for the sake of moving the plot along she says yes.  Meanwhile, Jesse shows up all covered with grease because he’s just repaired Rebecca Donaldson’s car.  She invites him to the arts festival, noting that her old college professor will be there, and at first he doesn’t want to go but then she talks him into it.  It’s funny because he says he wants to prove to her that there’s more to him than just motorcycles and rock ‘n’ roll, but that really is all there is to him.  If you really wanna dig deeper you can find a love of fried chicken in there but, believe me, once you’ve mined for that little nugget there’s nothing left in that cold hard ground.

Joey makes spaghetti for the girls and the baby calls it “spissghetti.”  Oh, spissghetti! Stephanie learns a new trick where she can make the baby say shitty stuff to DJ and then DJ retaliates by getting the baby to call Stephanie a “cheese head.”  This is interesting because first we have Uncle Jesse acknowledge his complete lack of depth as a character and then we have a scene that basically demonstrates that the writers know that they can win over the audience by having the baby say pretty much anything.  It’s like the writers are offering us an inside view of what they’re thinking, and what they’re thinking is, “I hate everyone who watches my tv show.”

Jesse comes home with hella books and when Joey axes him what’s the dilly-o, Jesse explains that he has to go to that smart people party with Rebecca Donaldson and he wants to bone up on his reading so he doesn’t look like a fucking moron.

Danny introduces the girls to Cynthia before their date and Michelle calls Cynthia “cheese head.”  Danny explains to the girls that if they don’t deprogram that kind of language from the baby by the time he gets home he’s gonna beat them with wire hangers and make them scrub the bathroom floor all night.

Meanwhile, Jesse crams up in his room so he can seem smart for the party.  He decides at the last minute that everyone is gonna know what a worthless fuckhead no-nothing asshole he is so he feigns illness.  Just as he tells Rebecca Donaldson that he can’t make it, her old college professor shows up at the door and he’s all sophisticated and handsome and totally wants to fuck Rebecca Donaldson.

After everybody leaves, Jesse decides that he must crash the party.  While he puts his suit on, Jesse does the dumbest thing imaginable by asking Joey to help him to come up with some smart people small talk.  There’s an interesting moment where Joey provides some Shakespeare trivia by telling Jesse that all the women’s roles were originally played by men, to which Jesse responds, “you mean like that weird show we saw in Vegas?”  Poor Full House.  We all know that you’re gay…  when are you going to come out, and learn to love yourself?  This whole homophobic closet queen routine is very unbecoming.

At the smart people party, Danny spills caviar into Cynthia’s hair and picks it out as she miraculously remains unaware of the situation.  This bizarre subplot about Danny abusing this poor, wafer-thin androgynous woman only further supports the self-loathing queer theme of the episode.

So Jesse shows up to the party and acts like a gigantic asshole by being really pushy and misquoting everything that Joey told him.  It’s actually kind of a lot like every episode of Home Improvement.  Jesse gets into a pissing match with Rebecca Donaldson’s professor and ultimately challenges him to an arm wrestling match.  After a bunch of showboating Jesse wins the match but is confused when Rebecca Donaldson is all pissed off at him afterwards.

Meanwhile, back at the full house, DJ and Stephanie attempt to deprogram the baby so she’ll stop saying all the shitty stuff they taught her.  They all hug and proclaim their love for one another but then the baby belittles their emotions by declaring her love for an assortment of inanimate objects.  She wanders across the hall and finds Uncle Jesse, who’s all pissed off after the party, and the two of them engage in a heart to heart talk.  Jesse stresses the importance of intelligence and prompts Michelle to recite the ABC’s, which she complies to in a lovely time-wasting segment.  Seriously, how could they possibly put less effort into this show?  It’s a fucking baby saying the alphabet.  Anyway, Jesse decides that he was being a prick so he goes over to Rebecca Donaldson’s to win her back.

Jesse sits below Rebecca Donaldson’s window and sings a terrible song that he wrote for her.  She is touched by Jesse’s sappy bullshit and then he admits that he got all threatened because he’s a dumb ass moron and she likes to kick it with them egghead muthafuckas.  She says that even though he’s borderline retarded, can’t nobody bang her walls like him and then the music comes on and then they make out.

Well, I’m glad we got to see Rebecca Donaldson again, as she’s probably the least irritating regular cast member and she’s been conspicuously absent for most of this season.  It’d be nice to see an episode that focuses on some aspect of her other than her relationship with Jesse but something tells me we wont see that once in this whole fucking series.  You get like 2 characteristics on this show and that’s it.

First:  Rebecca Donaldson’s place (exterior only)

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Responses

  1. The second I realized what episode this was I heard Jesse say in my head, “Interesting, but high overrated…”

  2. The lessons I learned:
    “smart” people use others to do their dirty work.
    “smart” people are lecherous.
    “smart” people like drag queens.
    “smart” people are polite enough to let you pick caviar out of their hair and pretend not to notice.
    “smart” people are the enemy.
    “smart” people are bad lays.

  3. If the song ends with him breathily repeating the phrase “I belong to you,” then I totally remember it. Unfortunately.

    • that’s the one!

  4. Hooray! Rebecca Donaldson’s back! Now we just need some Kimmy Gibbler…

    then there are times like this, when they seem like windows into the Olsen Twins’ deep-routed psychological problems.

    I really think you’ve hit on something there. As Michelle gets older and older, I bet we’ll really start to see the foundations of the Olsen Twin’s problems start to form. It might even make watching all her antics slightly more bearable!

    He even goes so far as to spill juice all over her dress and try to dab it up with a towel. What a shameless way to cop a feel.

    That Slick Willy, always with the smooth talk…

  5. I don’t get the pre-credits gag. So the ugly baby just happens to dig a long blonde wig out of a basket? Who just leaves shit like that laying around? Were they in Joey’s room? I hope this is discussed on the extra features on the DVDs.

  6. Ah, now we have a woman for Danny… why does Danny get unfathomably creepy when there’s an attractive woman?

    “Jesse does the dumbest thing imaginable by asking Joey to help him to come up with some smart people small talk.”

    What in the world? Why would anyone ever ask Joey for advice, unless it’s advice on how to mooch off people because you fail at life? I guess Jesse is dumb enough to go to him, though.

    “So Jesse shows up to the party and acts like a gigantic asshole by being really pushy and misquoting everything that Joey told him. It’s actually kind of a lot like every episode of Home Improvement.”

    As soon as I read that first sentence, I was like “whoa, holy Home Improvement rip-off.” I almost feel like reviewing Home Improvement would be worse than this show. Every episode literally has the same plot: Tim breaks shit at work, and then he has a problem with his wife or one of his sons. He goes to talk to Wilson, Wilson is so deep and smart, Tim repeats what Wilson said back to his wife, but without logic and understanding it, and then everyone’s happy again. There’s also lots of annoying grunting and making fun of Al. Dear god, that show was a disaster.

  7. The professor is played by Dick Van Dyke’s real-life son. Which means there are approximately two degrees of separation between this schlock (which I adore because it’s part of my childhood but is seriously awful) and The Dick Van Dyke Show. The realm of Full House;s evil influence is not limited to 90s TGIF. It actually reaches out its grasp and ruins classic TV.

    • an even more startling connection is that the working title for the dick van dyke show was “full house.”

  8. I wish we could see a shot of the professor in the background of Rebecca Donaldson’s window. That would rule.

  9. So, I’ve made it this far without leaving a comment, but I’ve been reading everything written herein.

    This journal of yours has prompted some conversations among my peers, and we have determined that we all watched this show, especially in syndication, as it was on before the folks came home and forced us to either turn the tv off or watch something of merit. We all watched the show, yet we can never remember laughing or even having a good time. We can’t remember talking about the show with friends or at school, but we all participated in its existence.

    Oddly enough, I never got into any of the other TGIF shows, even though they were all exactly the same, so logic dictates that if I watched one, I should have watched them all.

    Your observations on the continuity (or lack thereof) are interesting. I recently read a book called Everything Bad is Good For You, and in it the author theorizes that newer television programs are more complicated and employ interwoven storylines with narratives that run throughout entire seasons in part because DVD, and to a degree syndication, has allowed viewers to buy and rent entire series. So as technology progressed, so did entertainment. But back then, even in syndication it was hard to tell when any one episode took place compared to the previous one. Continuity wasn’t an issue, probably in part because the writers were lazy, but also probably because no one even thought about that mattering. I mean, who was going to realize that Danny’s mom was a different actress when the only other time you saw her was a full calendar year before (assuming you’re watching in real, airdate time)?

    Anyway, being this far removed from something like this show, revisiting it twenty years later through a surrogate that suffers so I don’t have to is a joy and a pleasure. I want you to know that your sacrifice is not in vain, and I will be reading until the end.

  10. “can’t nobody bang her walls like him” will now be my standard description of great sex.

    And why the fuck was Danny drinking JUICE on set?


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