Posted by: billysuperstar | July 2, 2010

Season 1, Episode 17, “Danny’s Very First Date”

The Honeybees are having a meeting in the Full House.  Joey performs his duties as honorary Queen Bee by making lots of lame bee puns and fulfilling the requests of Linda, the fine ass Hive Mother.  The Honeybees are having a honey sale and whoever sells the most wins a bike.  Naturally, as soon as Stephanie sees the bike she gets right on it and tries to ride away.  Why are all the jokes on this show centered around the cast being pushy and inconsiderate?  They should call this show Obnoxious House, or  House Lacking in Social Graces.

DJ, a former Honeybee, gives the kids a pep talk about selling honey and the group celebrate capitalism by chanting “sell!”  Meanwhile, Jesse’s mom sends him a subplot in the form of a tree house for Michelle that he has to assemble.  Danny comes home and the Uncles can see his emerging boner when he hears that Linda is in the living room.  He laments his dead wife for like the ten millionth time but the Uncles convince him that it really is time for him to start dating again.

Danny fumbles his way through asking Linda out but she totally wants it anyway and offers to buy him dinner and take him out to an art exhibit.

DJ is giving Stephanie a pep talk about how to sell honey when Danny comes in and tries to gently break the news to his daughters that he’s about to go out and pound their Hive Mothers vag all night long.  DJ gets all pissed off and Stephanie gets confused and so Danny decides he has to cancel the date.

The Uncles walk in on Danny canceling his date and they talk him into calling Linda back.  As he’s doing so, the girls walk in and tell him that they’re so grateful for him canceling his date that they want to take him out for ice cream.  Danny immediately gives in to this emotional manipulation and cancels the date yet again.

The Uncles attempt to assemble the tree house and hilarity ensues.  DJ and Stephanie enter the scene and the Uncles try to talk them into letting their dad go out and get laid for the first time in a year.  Joey shares an anecdote about his parents getting divorced and how he had to learn to stop being such a shithead about his mom dating and the girls agree to tell Danny that it’s ok.  Adding levity to such an emotional scene, Jesse gets stuck in the tree house.

So the kids and Danny have a talk in Danny’s room about how Danny still loves their dead mom and he tells them about how they agreed to see other people in the event of one of their untimely deaths.  Naturally, the music comes on.

The kids finally agree to quit being such assholes but Danny doesn’t think that he can call the date back on because he already broke it twice so he has DJ call Linda for him.

The date is back on and the Uncles console Danny about his outfit while Linda waits downstairs.  For some reason Jesse is eating fried chicken in this scene.

There is a brief sequence in which each of the Uncles dresses Danny up to look like them and then Danny goes back to what he was originally wearing.

Fuck, man, first he can’t even ask her out properly, then he cancels the date twice, then he makes her wait downstairs while he completely changes his whole get up 3 times?  She must really be desperate for that Danny Tanner schlong to put up with all that!  Once Danny finally comes downstairs it’s clear that it doesn’t matter what he wears because Linda shows up sporting a snuggie.

After Danny and Linda leave, the Uncles introduce Michelle to her new tree house but she’d rather play with a dish rag.  How is that even a tree house?  It’s a jungle gym.  Also, I bet you ten million bucks that Linda is never mentioned again on the show.  And finally, we never find out if Stephanie wins that bike.

Firsts:  Linda, Danny’s bedroom



  1. An especially good one. I was on the edge of my seat from Hive Mother vag pounding all the way to the snuggle.

  2. hahaah! this is quickly becoming my go-to spot to waste time!

    i love the snuggie reference- good job

  3. AHAHAH this was the funniest review yet! great site 🙂

  4. “Adding levity to such an emotional scene, Jesse gets stuck in the tree house.”

    Very clever misdirection on that one! I laughed for about a solid minute and woke up my wife.

    You had one a few reviews ago that got me really hard too, Joey talking to girls with his tongue stuck in a bottle and the bottle stuck in a chair.

  5. the snuggie reference was perfect

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