Posted by: billysuperstar | April 2, 2010

Season 1, Episode 4, “The Return of Grandma”

The Full House is a big disgusting shithole.  Jesse neglected his laundry duty and Joey is too busy doing terrible impressions of cartoon characters (featured in this episode:  Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam) to do the dishes.  There are also clothes flung around all over the place, but it’s never made clear whose negligence they’re a result of.  Danny shows his frustration by looking at everyone like he is going to kiss them.

Jesse comes home to share a new story about his night out.  This marks the first time in the series that he regales the family with an anecdote that doesn’t end with him talking about all the pussy he gets in front of the kids.  Now that’s progress!  Instead he unveils his new pet turtle, Bubba, who he found on the way home and developed an immediate emotional attachment to.

He exclaims, “I love this amphibian!” which becomes a reoccurring catch-phrase throughout the episode.  How is that even supposed to be funny?  I only know it is because the laugh track goes off every time he says it, which is often.  Maybe it’s supposed to be a humorous phrase, or maybe it’s because turtles are not actually amphibians.  I guess it doesn’t really matter because either way, there’s nothing funny about it.

Amidst all this chaos, Stephanie casually mentions that Grandma’s coming to visit today.  Naturally, Danny freaks the fuck out.  When he asks her why she never mentioned this before, she replies that nobody asked her.  If that’s not obnoxious enough, it turns out that Joey knew, too, and provides the same explanation for why he kept it to himself.  Wow, as if doing a bunch of terrible impressions all the time and being totally unqualified to take care of the kids wasn’t bad enough, he also can’t relay a simple phone message.  Sometimes I just hate Joey so much.

Everyone flails around in a futile attempt to get the house together before Grandma shows up, although most of the time is filled up with Jesse talking about his stupid turtle.  The place still looks like the thunderdome when Grandma arrives 5 hours earlier than expected.  You could probably guess this, but the reason she shows up so “early” is because Joey got the time of her arrival wrong.  That’s right, not only did he neglect to tell anyone that she’d be showing up at all, but when someone finally squeezed the news out of him, he couldn’t even get it right.  Seriously, if you were Danny, wouldn’t you be realizing about now that no help at all is better than help from Joey?

I’d also like to take a moment to point out that Joey keeps a mannequin in his alcove that he dresses to match whatever he’s wearing.  There’s something really fucked up about that.  I got ten bucks that says that he dry humps it when everyone else is sleeping.

Anyway, Grandma enters and is understandably terrified at the state of things.

Jesse and Joey respond by telling her to clean it up herself and then make them dinner while they go out on the town.  Dang, that is some raw shit right there!  When they return and the house is still in a state of disarray, Jesse declares that Danny is, “totally mommy-whipped.”  On that note, Grandma enters the scene with Jesse and Joeys moms in tow.  What a wacky situation!

Jesse’s mom makes him tuck in his shirt and Joey’s mom assists him in an unfunny impression of a vacuum cleaner.  After these bizarre displays, the moms point out the obvious fact that these 3 guys are horrendously unqualified to raise children by themselves.  The moms make plans to come by every day to supervise things, which is a prospect that really freaks out the dads.  A deal is struck that if the dads can’t get the house in order in the next few hours, the moms can move in and run their lives forever.

As soon as the moms leave, the dads learn that the kids have lost Bubba.  Despite the fact that their entire futures are contingent on cleaning the entire house in the next few hours, they squander the entire time looking for Jesse’s stupid fucking turtle.  The moms come back to find the house in the exact same state of disrepair, but are so moved by the dads heartwarming speech to the kids about the loss of Bubba (followed by lots of hugs) that they agree to give them another shot at cleaning the house.

The cleaning of the house is represented by a brief dance number set to, “I feel good.”

I imagine that James Brown turns over in his grave every time this airs, but at the time I’m sure he was just glad to cash a big check.  The moms return and are amazed at how clean the house is.  While they’re inspecting the kitchen, a cleaning woman opens the back door and requests to be paid in cash.  Bus-ted!  Joey tries to pass her off as his fiancé, but she’s clearly out of his league.

So, even though the dads have failed to honor their part of the deal twice, the credits are about to roll so the moms agree not to move in after all.  Then Bubba rolls in on a skateboard.

Firsts:  Jesse tells a story that’s not all about how much pussy he gets, Bubba the turtle, Jesse’s mom (Irene), Joey’s mom (Mindy)



  1. it is difficult to put into words how happy reading these makes me.

  2. Me too. And what really pisses me off is that next season Danny is a clean freak and Jesse Cochran becomes Jesse Katsopolis

  3. Somehow I know without a doubt in my mind that, no matter how long it takes me, I’m going to read every damn one of these. Because they’re AMAZING. Seconding what Maggie said.

  4. That mannequin in Joeys alcove is really creepy. Before Jeffrey Dahmer started murdering, molesting and eating young men(in that order) he used to keep a mannequin in his closet presumably to practice. Makes you wonder.

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