Posted by: billysuperstar | December 7, 2011

Our Very First T-Shirt

The Full House Reviewed shirt is finally here!!!  You can buy one right here!!!

I was supposed to get this done about 2 Seasons ago, but I only recently enlisted the help of Bay Area t-shirt company Like Minded People to finally bring you our very first t-shirt.  I couldn’t have done it without them!  The image for the shirt is also the logo for our new site (which we’ll be fully switching over to later this week~there will be a site redirect on this wordpress account and we’re working to forward the site to people’s rss feeds…), which was drawn by an artist who wanted to remain anonymous for some reason.  What, you’re too good to be associated with the Full House blog?  Anyway, all of the shirts are hand silk screened and are printed on nice, fancy shirts.  Right now they come in 2 different colors but we might make more if there’s a demand.

I would also like to publicly invite Brandon Rowland to e-mail me his info at so I can finally send the shirt I promised him like a year ago.  Brandon won our very first contest by getting Dave Coulier to mention the site on twitter.  I honestly didn’t think that anyone would win that contest so I was pretty unprepared to award him his shirt, but now I can finally make good on my promise.  I hope you’ll send us a picture, Brandon!

Thanks to all you readers for making this happen!  I hope y’all meant it when you said you wanted to buy a FHR shirt!  I can’t think of a better present for the holidays!


Posted by: billysuperstar | December 2, 2011

Season 4, Episode 20, “Fuller House”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Hey, look, Stephanie’s wearing her glasses again!  Anyway, Danny comes home from a parent-teacher meeting and tells Stephanie that he found out that she’s having trouble with fractions but it’s ok because he’s going to make the whole family help her out.  Premise!  Then Michelle runs in and alerts everyone that Jesse and Becky have just returned from their honeymoon.  Dang, double-premise, and all contained within the pre-credits gag.  Someone must have just come back from a writer’s workshop or something.

Jesse and Becky are greeted by about 2 solid minutes of hugging from every single cast member of the full house, including the dog.  Jesse says that their trip to Bora Bora was the shit and that they filmed everything so the family could see it, and then Becky’s like, “well, everything except all of the hot naked fucking!”  Becky then tells Jesse that he should probably start packing up his shit so he can move into her house because it’s no longer a sin.  Michelle is confused by the situation and Jesse explains that now that he’s found himself a sugar momma, he’s gonna mooch off of her instead of Danny so he’s gotta move out.  Aunt Becky tries to console Michelle by explaining the concept of moving day but Michelle willfully misinterprets that the whole family will be moving in with Becky.

Joey tries to help Stephanie with fractions by slicing up her favorite dessert, a single Hostess cupcake on a plate.  His efforts are foiled when DJ and Kimmie Gibbler come in and eat the cupcake, but I have to say that I’m totally amazed to see Joey doing something that a reasonable intelligent adult might do to try to help a kid learn fractions.  He didn’t even talk like Popeye or anything.  Don’t get me wrong, his efforts still failed, but I think that this is the least incompetent thing he’s ever done. Anyway, Joey leaves and then DJ starts to get on Stephanie’s case about when she’s gonna move into Jesse’s old room.  Stephanie is hesitant to give up sharing a room but DJ really can’t wait to have all those walls to herself to cover with George Michael posters.

As Jesse packs up the last of his shit, he and Danny reminisce with great sentimentality about the time they’ve spent together.  This leads to a lengthy clip from the first episode, which served no purpose other to remind me that Danny used to stand way closer to everyone when he talked to them.  He still kinda looks like he might kiss everyone when he’s talking to them, but back in the early days he was a way creepier close-talker.

Anyway, Danny comments on how Jesse’s still the same 1-dimensional character he was when the series started and then he thanks him for living in his house for 4 years and eating all of his fried chicken.  They hug and then everyone else comes in and then they all hug.

Michelle comes in the room with her suitcase and announces that she’s all ready to move to Aunt Becky’s.  Danny explains that Jesse’s the only one that’s moving over there and Michelle gets all pissed and shouts, “but we’re supposed to be a big happy family!” before running out of the room.  What a ridiculous thing to yell when you’re upset.  Jesse goes into Michelle’s  room to have one of their, “world famous talks,”  and explains that now that they’re married, Aunt Becky’s givin’ it up like crazy and he can’t have a bunch of lame kids all up in his business all the time.  Michelle says that she’s really upset because he won’t be around to wait on her at all times anymore and the music comes on.  Dang, I don’t know if they’ve ever resorted to playing the music in the middle of an episode before, but this episode’s working over-time to be as ultra-contrived as possible.  At the end of the longest, most drawn-out goodbye in the history of television, there’s this incredibly lengthy zoom-in of Michelle after someone put some drops in her eyes, and it actually made me laugh uncontrollably.  I think that might be the only time in the entire process of watching this show that I’ve actually laughed really hard at something, but, dang, you guys, look at that stupid kid.

As if that weren’t hilarious enough all on it’s own, it’s followed by another incredibly long, slow zoom-in of Uncle Jesse standing right outside of her door, crying like a punk bitch.  Oh, man, that’s comedy gold!  I had to go lay down I laughed so hard.

As Jesse brings the last of his stuff into Becky’s place, he starts talking about how shitty all of her decorum is and starts making plans to put all of his shit everywhere.  Becky tries to diffuse the situation by offering up some hot sex on the couch but Jesse starts thinking about Michelle and is unable to perform sexually.  He totally ignores his wife’s moist vagina by staring off into the distance and singing a slow, sad rendition of the teddy bear song he used to sing to Michelle.

In what is probably the most artful segue in the history of the series, the scene switches over to Joey and Danny singing that very same teddy bear song to Michelle, who says that they suck without Uncle Jesse.

Meanwhile, DJ revels in finally having her own room while Stephanie feels sad about being by herself.

In the morning, Danny brings a plate of pancakes to the family at the breakfast table and Michelle takes them all and says, “you’d better make more, these people look hungry.”  Seconds later, Jesse and Becky enter the house and Jesse starts kissing everybody.  Joey actually recaps the events that happened seconds before to Jesse, including an impression of Michelle saying the obnoxious one-liner.  Not only did I really not need a recap of something I just saw, but that’s gotta be the most self-congratulating moment I’ve ever seen on tv.

Everyone agrees that it was really funny and Jesse’s like, “God damn it, I can’t believe I missed such a hilarious moment!  What’s wrong with me that I moved out of this house full of obnoxious, showboating assholes to go live with my rich, hot wife?”

Danny uses their broken family to explain fractions to Stephanie, who is able to comprehend that Jesse and Becky make up 2/7’s of their family while the remaining 5/7’s of them still live in the full house.  I don’t know why that’s easier to understand than cupcakes.  Anyway, the kids all leave for school except Michelle, who asks Jesse if he’ll sing her the teddy bear song that night.  All of a sudden Becky remembers that their apartment is being fumigated so they need to sleep in the attic of the full house that night, and everyone is pretty excited to have a pajama party.

As Jesse and Becky lay awake on their twin cots in the attic, she admits to him that she made up the fumigation because she thought that he missed his family.  She goes on to explain that she talked to Danny about renovating the attic and she wants the two of them to live up there.  The music comes on (for the second time this episode!) as Jesse says that he couldn’t ask her to make such a sacrifice for him but she explains that when she married him she pretty much gave up all of her hopes and dreams so at this point it doesn’t really matter.  It’s really weird that there’s this whole dynamic here that Jesse needs to be convinced about moving back into the full house when Becky is clearly the one who shouldn’t want to live there.  Regardless, as soon as Jesse agrees, Becky runs to the stairs and calls the members of the full house so they can all hug as gentle music plays.

Joey explains that his and Jesse’s studio is going to be moved into the basement and he’s gonna take Jesse’s old room, so Stephanie is going to move back in with DJ.  Stephanie gloats all up in DJ’s face as she laments having to readjust her George Michael posters all over again.  As the family all stand around grinning like idiots, Michelle demands that they sing her the teddy bear song, ushering in a new era of even more annoying people living in the full house.

Firsts:  2 musics, Aunt Becky lives in the full house


This will very likely be the last Full House Reviewed post published on  The domain has been purchased and should premiere before next Friday with all of the content on this site imported over, including all of your comments and everything.  The site’s gonna premier with a snazzy new logo and it will be the shit!  As soon as everything’s all set up, the wordpress url will only exist as a forward to the official site, so I’m pretty sure that all of the wordpress subscribers will have to switch over the the new site to continue being notified about new posts.  Sorry for the inconvenience!  Thanks to all of you readers for sticking with the site as it upgrades, and stay tuned for news about the official Full House Reviewed t-shirt really soon!

your pal,

Billy Superstar

Posted by: billysuperstar | November 25, 2011

Season 4, Episode 19, “The Wedding-Part 2”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle recaps the events of the previous episode.

As Jesse flails around helplessly while hanging from a tree, a friendly yokel pulls up in his tomato truck and agrees to try to help him get down.  The news that it may take 2 or 3 hours to free him doesn’t sit well with Jesse, who’s already late to his wedding, so he removes his harness and drops down onto the tomatoes, which break his fall.

The yokel’s like, “hey, asshole, I was trying to help you and you fucked up all my tomatoes,” and Jesse’s not even sorry.  The yokel starts to get ornery and explains that Jesse had better watch his ass because they’re in tomato country, where they don’t take kindly to the pushy, egomaniacal behavior of city folk.  Tomato country?  I actually grew up right near San Francisco and I’ve certainly never heard of tomato country.  I’ve heard of wine country, which would make perfect sense in this scenario, but not tomato country.  I’ve also never seen such cartoonish yokels  in any part of California.  If some dirty hippie had picked up Jesse in his van that ran on corn oil I’d totally believe it, but this backwoods fellow?  Not so much.

So, get this:  Jesse straight up tries to steal the tomato truck.  Like it’s not enough that he already ruined this guys whole load of tomatoes or something.  Luckily, the tomato guy’s cousin is the sheriff (because everyone is related in tomato country), who pulls up just that minute and arrests Jesse before he can drive off.

DJ and Stephanie continue to make their wedding documentary by filming Rebecca Donaldson as she stands around crying.  Everyone kills time by making corny jokes until Jesse calls to ask Rebecca Donaldson if she’ll come to tomato country and bail him out of prison.  Rebecca Donaldson misses her ten millionth sign from the universe that this Jesse character is just absolutely no good and heads off to go get him.

As Danny and Joey figure out how to stall the wedding guests, Jesse’s parents come up and ask what the fuck is going on.  Oh, wow, they brought back Grandma and Grandpa!  Having not seen them in about 2 Seasons, I totally wouldn’t even have thought about it if they hadn’t made an appearance in this episode, but there they are!

Jesse pleads with the sheriff to release him from the clink but the sheriff just stands around eating a tomato, not havin’ it.

Rebecca Donaldson shows up and she’s like, “what the fuck, Jesse?  Seriously, couldn’t you not fuck up just one thing ever?”  Jesse explains that he had a long talk with her dad about how lame everything is gonna be once he’s married so he wanted to go have one last adventure first.

Rebecca Donaldson’s like, “sucka, this pussy is the greatest adventure you are ever gonna have” and then they make up.  The sheriff is so touched by their unhealthy relationship that he agrees to release Jesse and drop all the charges.  He opens the cell, hands them a basket of tomatoes and sends them on their way.

Rebecca Donaldson’s car got towed while she was getting Jesse out of jail so the two of them flag down a bus.

The bus is filled with a gospel choir and the driver explains that they aren’t heading to San Francisco but once he recognizes Rebecca Donaldson as the host of Wake Up, San Francisco he decides to just do whatever she wants.  He even lets her drive!

Danny, Joey and Jesse’s parents try to stall the wedding crowd by leading a chorus of, “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” (great song for a wedding…), until Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson finally arrive.

So you’d think the rest of the ceremony would go off without a hitch, right?  Michelle gets about halfway down the aisle before calling out, “Stop the wedding!” because she ran out of flowers to throw.  Danny runs up to console her by telling her that it’s the architect of the church’s fault for making the building too long and then he actually gets the wedding guests to applaud her effort.  Root causes, y’all.  Root causes.

Finally, Rebecca Donaldson walks down the aisle, giving everyone boners.  She and Jesse exchange rings and all that shit and then it’s announced to the crowd that Jesse wants to pledge his love with music.  Jesus Christ, it’s not bad enough that he made these people wait forever for him to even show up, now they gotta sit through this shit, too?  That’s the problem with struggling musicians.  Every social gathering’s just some excuse for them to hype their shit.

Jesse sings, “Forever,” which becomes his big song that he sings all the time throughout the rest of the series.  What’s the deal with this song?  Did he play it with the Beach Boys or something?  Anyway, I kind of thought that the gospel choir who were riding in the bus that Rebecca Donaldson stole would be pretty upset, but apparently they aren’t after all because they actually decide to back Jesse up as performs his song.  I guess he taught them the lyrics on the bus ride over or something?  I can’t help but feel bad for all the families in Oakland that are just sitting in an empty church right now like, “well, I guess the choir’s not coming today…”

Since Jesse’s stupid song goes on for like 10 million years, there’s some cut-away footage, including a photo montage of Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson growing up.  There’s also a bunch of clips of scenes of them together from previous episodes, and then, presumably because there’s not a lot of footage of them doing anything outside of the full house, there are a bunch of really cheap looking new shots of them hanging out in a park.  It’s pretty easy to forgive the poor quality of these shots because one of them brings us the greatest shot of Rebecca Donaldson’s hot ass ever.  Dang, Rebecca Donaldson, how you gonna go and settle for that fool when you got an ass like that?

After the song is finally over,  Rebecca Donaldson has one last chance to come to her senses, but she just goes right ahead and says, “I do.”  And with that fateful declaration, Rebecca Donaldson reaches her tragic end, fully consumed by the full house at last.

Naturally, the wedding reception takes place in the living room of the full house.  Michelle schemes on the cake, Danny polices the guest’s use of coasters, and Joey starts crying as he tries to give a toast.  The first dance is announced and Jesse and Becky give a big speech that recaps their argument from an earlier episode about whether or not their wedding song should be, “Jail House Rock.”  They declare that they made a brilliant compromise and then Jesse starts singing a slow, schlocky rendition of  “Jailhouse Rock.”  That’s the fucking compromise?  She didn’t want the song to be “Jailhouse Rock” and his compromise was that he was just gonna sing it real slow?  And if that wasn’t already stomach-churningly tacky enough for you, after a slow and sappy intro, they break into a full on rock ‘n’ roll rendition and everyone dances vigorously.  So, really, there was no compromise at all.  Not only did Jesse get to pick the wedding song, but he fucking SANG IT HIMSELF!

After cake is eaten and DJ catches the bouquet, Aunt Becky puts on a white Hillary Clinton pantsuit and gets on the back of Jesse’s motorcycle.  And as she rides away to lose her virginity to a greasy, out of work musician, I just can’t help but think of how much better her life would have turned out if she’d never met any of these assholes.  Rebecca Donaldson, there was once such hope for you, but there’s no turning back now.

Firsts:   “Forever” (that shitty song Jesse always sings)

Posted by: billysuperstar | November 18, 2011

Season 4, Episode 18, “The Wedding-Part 1”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Danny prepares Michelle for her role as the flower girl in Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson’s wedding.  He convinces her that it’s the most important job in the whole ceremony and demonstrates how to perform the task by pulling tissues from a box.  She takes the box and starts chanting, “here comes Michelle,” while tossing out the tissues and then she completely ignores Danny when he tells her to stop doing it.  She just keeps walking around, chanting her name and wasting tissues while Danny helplessly trails after her, and if this pre-credits gag doesn’t completely define their relationship then I don’t know nuthin’ ’bout Full House.

DJ and Stephanie experience creative differences as they work on a wedding video for Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson.  Their filming is interrupted by Rebecca Donaldson running in and being all freaked out because Jesse’s not there to meet her parents.  Michelle comes downstairs and Rebecca Donaldson stops her frantic pacing to tell her that Howie, that baby that she made sweet, gentle love to in Season 2, is going to be making a return visit to the full house for the wedding.  Michelle says she doesn’t give a shit because she doesn’t even remember that fool even though she stayed up all night crying his name one time.  Michelle and Howie are re-introduced and immediately hate each other’s guts.

Boy am I glad they brought Howie back.  I always wondered what happened to that guy.

Danny comes downstairs and says that his suit for the wedding is too tiny.  The doorbell rings and Rebecca Donaldson rushes to greet her parents as Joey comes up in a big baggy suit and he and Danny realize that they switched by accident.

Rebecca Donaldson’s parents enter the full house and her dad immediately starts ranting about some asshole motorcyclist who cut him off when he was driving.  Right that second, Jesse comes in wearing his motorcycle gear and he’s like, “sorry I’m late but some asshole was driving like a dumb dick.”  Uh-oh you guys, I’m afraid Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson’s Dad are gonna start off on the wrong foot!

They proceed to bicker with one another until Rebecca Donaldson gets all upset so they stage a reconciliation.  Things seem to be pretty much smoothed over until Rebecca Donaldson’s Mom goes to the kitchen and walks in on Joey and Danny making love.

I guess they got all worked up when they were switching suits.  Joey’s butthole was just too inviting.  Anyway, Rebecca Donaldson has a big emotional meltdown until Jesse calmly reassures her and then they make out on the couch while Stephanie films them.

Michelle is terrorized by Howie, who acts the fool at bedtime while wearing the same Ninja Turtle pajamas that Joey wore to the Honeybee sleepover.  Michelle is like, “fuck this shit,” and decides to go sleep someplace else.

Rebecca Donaldson’s Dad rolls up on Jesse in his room and starts discussing his lifestyle choices.  It’s actually pretty amazing because Rebecca Donaldson’s Dad sums Jesse up by pointing out that he rides a motorcycle, plays in a band and wears leather, and Jesse defends himself by saying, “There’s much more to me than that, sir.  I’m also an Elvis freak.”  That shit totally blew my mind because I’ve described Jesse that exact same way in a bunch of these reviews, but I was doing it to be an asshole!  How can Jesse be so comfortable with being such a 1-dimensional character!??!  That really is all there is to him.

Anyway, Rebecca Donaldson’s Dad gives Jesse a big speech about how he used to be a cool dude, too, but then he got married and had to give up all the fun shit he liked to do.  Then he tells Jesse that he’d better have his shit together if he’s gonna marry his daughter and Jesse is overwhelmed by a looming sense of responsibility.  What’s the big deal?  Jesse’s been driving kids to soccer practice and shit for like 4 years now.  He’s clearly become fully resigned to being a total square, so how does any of that shit mean anything to him?

Jesse wakes Joey up at 7 AM and tells him to drive him to the airport.  Geez, you guys, that leads me to believe that Jesse is going to run away instead of marrying Rebecca Donaldson.  Why else would he be going to the airport!??!  I’m on the edge of my seat!

Danny wakes Michelle up by asking if she’s seen Jesse but she refuses to answer him without a formal greeting.  Danny complies with all of her requests and then it turns out that she doesn’t know anything about where Jesse is because of course she doesn’t because when the fuck does she ever have any useful information?  Anyway, Stephanie runs in with a note from Uncle Jesse that says that he had to do something before the wedding but he’s still gonna show up and everything.  The family all stand around and wonder what Jesse could be up to.

So apparently Jesse decided that he had to jump out of an airplane before the wedding because he had to go through with one last absurd sitcom cliche before settling down.  That seems like it would be ridiculous enough all on its own except JOEY IS FLYING THE AIRPLANE!!!

What!??!  I cannot believe for even one second that Joey can fly an airplane.  There has never been any mention one time of Joey having any aviation know-how whatsoever, plus I’d bet you $5 that Joey can’t even wipe his ass properly, and I’m supposed to believe that that muthafucka can just fly an airplane all of a sudden?  That’s some silly ass nonsense is what that is.

Joey tries to convince Jesse not to jump out of the plane but he does it anyway.  Right before he jumps, Jesse says that if he doesn’t survive he wants Joey to marry Rebecca Donaldson, which is pretty fucked up if you ask me.  Ok, so, before we get to the screencap, I want you all to guess what Jesse says when he jumps out of the airplane.  I want you to really take a minute and think about what he says.  Ok, are you ready?

Jesse says, “have mercy.”

So when it’s time for the wedding to start, Jesse still hasn’t shown up and everyone stands are trying to figure out what to do.  Michelle sees Howie in his little tuxedo and starts secreting love juices at the sight of him.

Rebecca Donaldson’s parents get all up in Danny’s face when the ceremony doesn’t start on time and he finally has to admit to them that Jesse is missing.  Rebecca Donaldson finds out and gets all upset, presumably because she’s finally realizing what a completely useless piece of shit she’s getting married to.  Seriously, Rebecca Donaldson must have left the full house the night before and been like, “ok, as long as Jesse doesn’t do anything completely fucking idiotic in the next 12 hours, I am willing to ignore his overwhelming personality flaws and complete lack of character and integrity and devote the rest of my life to him.  All that fool needs to do is just fucking show up to the wedding.”  And does he show up?  No, he doesn’t.  Instead Joey comes in and explains to Rebecca Donaldson that Jesse told him to marry her if he didn’t make it.

Meanwhile, Jesse got stuck in a tree and I guess we’ll just have to wait ’till next week to find out if he ever gets down…

I have to say, I had never seen this episode before.  I almost never watched Full House when a new episode aired, I always just saw re-runs when they happened to be on, and I always remember seeing part 2 ten million times but never seeing part 1.  This episode made me wonder if Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson have had sex before their wedding.  I mean, I know they’re fictional characters and there’s no real answer and everything, but what do you think?  I know that before he met Rebecca Donaldson, Jesse was the biggest hoe on the planet but I bet Rebecca Donaldson is pretty chaste.  They clearly don’t live together yet, which suggests a pretty old-fashioned relationship.  If I had to put money down, I’d bet that Rebecca Donaldson wasn’t willing to be infected with the herpes virus until she had a lifelong commitment from Jesse, so she made him wait till they got married.  Maybe that’s why he tried to marry her impulsively before, and also why they planned their whole wedding in like 6 weeks.

Firsts:  Rebecca Donaldson’s parents

Posted by: billysuperstar | November 11, 2011

Season 4, Episode 17, “A Fish Called Martin”

I try to keep things strictly business ’round these parts but I just had to acknowledge real quick that FHR was mentioned on metacritic last week and then it got straight up blasted all over the whole mufuckin internet (including by the Huffington Post!!!).  I’m not quite sure who to thank (aside from this snazzy blog, I can’t say I’m too internet savvy, so it’s all kind of mystifying to me…) but my readership just increased like cray cray, so I just wanted to welcome all you new readers (especially those of you who have been going through the archives and commenting as you slog through my backlog) and send a big thank you out to all you famous bloggers and twitterers and tumblerers who spread the word about this ridiculous, masochistic hobby.  Welcome to my dumb ass waste of time!  Also, big ups, as always, to Teebore at the Gentlemen of Leisure Blog, who is this blogs blood brother and the only reader who leaves me a comment every single week.  What a great guy!

Anyway, I’ll save all other shout-outs and self-promotion till the Season Review, so without further adieu:

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle jams out with Jesse’s shitty band.  Surprisingly, his band features the same members that we saw the last time they played together, which is probably just to prove me wrong from when I made a snarky observation during their previous appearance about how the band always has a completely different roster.  Anyway, the band lets Michelle screw around on a fake guitar in front of them, which is all well and good, but then Jesse forces them to back her up while she sings, “Doo Wah Diddy.”  This one’s pretty rough, you guys.  I think I may have been abusing the word when I said that she “sings,” but I don’t know what the fuck else to call it.  She just coughs out this off-key, garbled mess…  And then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, she insists that the band play, “I’m a Little Tea Pot” and we have to watch the whole thing!  This is the longest pre-credits gag ever, by a lot!  It just goes on and on.  Up until this point, the only good thing about pre-credits gags is that they were short.  At least it explains why the members of Jesse’s band are always changing, because being forced to back some monkey faced little girl during rehearsal is a total deal-breaker.

As Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson make out on the couch in preparation for their wedding next week, she mentions that her family has a tradition of celebratory square dancing that they have to prepare for.  Holy shit, this explains everything!  For the past 2 Seasons I’ve been totally baffled as to why Rebecca Donaldson would ever give anyone in the full house the time of day, what with her sense of reasoning and her totally hot ass.  She always seemed too good for the rest of the assholes on this show, and I always wondered what hidden psychosis she must be harboring that would explain why she stuck around.  Well, today I got my answer: she’s a square dancer!  What an epiphany!

As Jesse tries to weasel out of square dancing, as if anyone in the full house could ever be too cool to do anything, Michelle comes home from a fair with the other dads and shows off a goldfish that she won.  She explains that she won the fish when she, “threw a ball into his bowl” and the audience laughs.  Really?  That’s not even kind of a joke.  It’s just straightforward information.  Anyway, Jesse exclaims to Michelle that she’s got her very first pet, which is a total disservice to Comet the dog and, more importantly, Bubba the turtle, the Tanner’s long lost, never-mentioned-again pet from Season 1.  I loved that amphibian.

DJ met some hot piece of man-meat at the fair and as he walks her to the door she’s about to offer him a rim job when Stephanie comes up and totally salts her game.  Bobby, the man-meat himself, is enthralled by a passing car and starts blathering on about how cars are the best thing ever.  He asks DJ if she likes cars, too, and she fakes interest because she’s so very, very desperately lonely.  Bobby is all jazzed about meeting a girl who likes cars as much as he does so as he’s leaving he tells her, “I’ll call you tomorrow…  and we can talk about cars.”  Although I think it’s pretty unhealthy of DJ to feign interest in something just to get a boys attention, I can’t fault her too much because it’s been clearly established that every character on this show is strictly limited to 2 or 3 characteristics that define their entire personality, so they really couldn’t possibly have anything else to talk about if she wasn’t interested in cars.

Michelle names her fish Martin and Joey offers advice about how to take care of him:  keep him clean and feed him once a day.

As Rebecca Donaldson makes another attempt to get Jesse to learn how to square dance, DJ comes into his room and asks if she can borrow some car magazines.  She explains that she lined up some hot schlong at the fair and all she needs is to learn about cars to seal the deal and then Rebecca Donaldson says that it’s shitty to pretend you like something just to win someone’s affections.  Jesse sees this as an opportunity to justify his refusal to square dance but Rebecca Donaldson’s like, “fuck you, Jersey, I’ve put up with more stupid bullshit in the last 2 years than in the rest of my life combined, plus I’m fine as hell and have a successful career, whereas you have some made up job and you live in your brother-in-laws nursery.  I wear the pants in this relationship, and you’re fuckin’ square dancing!”

Joey walks in on Michelle standing beside a full bubble bath and discovers Martin’s limp, lifeless body within.  How many times have I said that they shouldn’t let that fuckin’ kid walk around unsupervised all the time?  You see what happens?!!?

I’m really surprised that they showed Martin’s floating corpse inside that bowl.  That’s gotta be the most graphic image in the entirety of the series.  Full House has always featured the most vanilla, non-controversial visual vocabulary possible, seemingly taking place in a world without pubic hair or violence or drug use or bodily fluids of any kind, and yet they took something that would be pretty darn easy not to show and they held it out right in front of the camera for us all to see.  The really fucked up part about it is that Joey’s too inept to explain to Michelle that she killed her fish, so he just lets her believe that Martin’s sleeping and lets her carry his corpse back to her room inside of the fish bowl.  Now Michelle’s like the Norman Bates of fish owners.

Joey takes Danny and Jesse aside and tells them that Michelle killed Martin and he doesn’t know what to do about it.  You’d think that Joey failing to explain to Michelle that her fish died and letting her walk around with his rotting corpse in a bowl all day instead would be the final signal to Danny that he absolutely should not be housing Joey and allowing him to raise his daughters, but no dice.  After further discussion with the uncles, Danny decides that they should have a very special talk with Michelle to explain what happened.

Jesse, Danny and Joey all fumble through their attempted very special talks, the worst being when Joey just rambles about Road Runner cartoons and makes sound effects.  Danny eventually manage to spit it out about Martin being dead and Michelle gets all confused and asks how he died.  Joey explains that he died in the tub, which is clearly his way of substantiating to himself that the incident was all Michelle’s fault when he’s the one that told her to clean him and then he just let her walk around unsupervised.  Joey is totally ruining this little girls childhood right in front of Danny, week after week, and yet he never gets kicked out of the full house.

The dads all buy Michelle a new fish with a decked out ass fish tank but she’s all bummed out about fish and doesn’t want it.  The weirdest part about this scene is that Jesse carries Michelle into the room at the opening and she’s smiling and laughing, and it’s not until they give her the new fish that she gets upset.  It seems like she was pretty over the whole death of Martin incident, so why didn’t they just leave well enough alone?  Anyway, Jesse’s like, “we already paid for this tank and fish food and shit so if you don’t like it howsabout he’s the family fish?”  Michelle hesitantly agrees and then expresses a little more self pity before sulking off to the living room to do some more unsupervised activities.  Once she’s gone, Jesse asks the other dads what they’re gonna do if the new fish dies and then they unveil a secret stash of spare fish in the dining room cabinet.

That’s gotta be the weirdest joke ever once you think about it.  You hardly ever see that cabinet but, from now on, whenever you do I want you to remember that it’s filled with spare pet fish.

Stephanie quizzes DJ about cars and DJ gets all nervous because she’s learned jack shit.  Rebecca Donaldson comes in to summon everyone for the family square dancing practice but she’s distracted by DJ’s boy problem.  She explains to DJ that it’s fucking dumb as hell to lie about your interests and that she should just be honest with Bobby.  Just then the phone rings and when DJ answers she tells Bobby, “look, I want to be honest with you.  I think cars are boring and they cause pollution.”  Bobby promptly hangs up on him and then DJ just reacts by telling Rebecca Donaldson that any guy who hangs up on her is probably not her type.  How’s that for totally fucked up!??!  If this had been last Season I think that Rebecca Donaldson would still have had the sense to point out to DJ that she was being a rude bitch and maybe dropped some knowledge about social tact.  First the square dancing, now this…  I guess since this is the last episode before the wedding they wanted to make Rebecca Donaldson as crazy as possible to finally fully initiate her into the full house.

Oh my god, you guys, the Tanner’s fucking square dance.  I’ve seen so much at this point that I’m not even sure if I can call this an all-time low, but it’s certainly down there.  At the same time, it’s pretty unsurprising if you think about it.  Full House, at its essence,  is pretty much a cruel stereotyped rendition of white people, so it only makes sense that the corniest, white-breadiest family of all time would eventually engage in the crackerest activity known to cracker ass crackers.

Once they’re done hoeing down, Rebecca Donaldson gets Jesse to admit that square dancing is fun after all and then they promote once again that the wedding episode’s next week.

Michelle breaks up the square dancing party by frantically shouting about there being something wrong with the new fish.  The family runs to investigate and discovers that the fish has given birth.  Michelle is commended for alerting the family and they explain to her that they’re gonna put the mom fish in her own bowl, followed by an extended shot of them doing so.  What’s that all about?  Is that something that you’re supposed to do when a fish has babies that I don’t know about, like she’s gonna eat them or something?  It just seems like a really unnecessary detail to me.

Anyway, Danny tells Michelle that she can keep all the baby fish in her room and then the family calls her a hero and actually applaud her.  What?  She didn’t even do anything!

Posted by: billysuperstar | November 4, 2011

Season 4, Episode 16, “Stephanie Gets Framed”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle brushes her teeth and then Danny holds her over the sink when she spits.  That’s really all that happens.

DJ gives Michelle her old piggy bank and teaches her how to weasel money out of people.

Stephanie comes home with a note from school that says that she needs an eye examination.  She worries that she’ll look like a geek with glasses but Danny explains that with the way her face has been shaping out over the last few years, glasses are the least of her worries.  Well, maybe he didn’t exactly say that, but you can tell he was thinking it.  Anyway, he tells her she’s gotta get glasses and tough shit if she don’t like it, then Michelle comes in and bums money off of everybody.

Rebecca Donaldson tells Jesse that it’s time for him to pick his best man for their wedding.  Danny and Joey are called into the kitchen and told that one of them is going to be selected, then there’s some conflict over who it should be.  Didn’t Jesse have any friends before he started hanging out with these guys all the time 4 years ago?  It’s like his whole life before the full house has been erased, like he’s been assimilated or something.  Anyway, Jesse ends up picking Joey and Danny gets all butt hurt about it.  You can’t really blame him, considering that he’s been housing and feeding Jesse for years now.  You’d think he’d get a shout-out, like, one time.

Some time later, Jesse and Danny discuss their feelings in the living room when DJ runs in with her friend Julie, who’s never been on the show before.

They explain that Julie’s cousin, Steve, is in town and he’s been bugging them while they try to get their shit done for the school newspaper.  As Steve knocks on the door, Danny and Jesse are persuaded into distracting him as the girls escape.  Jesse answers the door and OH MY GOD YOU GUYS IT’S URKEL!  IT’S FINALLY THE EPISODE OF FULL HOUSE WITH URKEL IN IT!!!

Oh, man, I can’t even tell you how fucking long I’ve been waiting for this one.  It’s like the one bright spot in an otherwise endless void of shitty garbage.  I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I actually wanted to write a Family Matters Reviewed blog originally, but I ended up not doing it because the show never had a proper DVD release.  I think that’s because it switched networks late in the shows life, so the rights are all fucked.  Anyway, Family Matters and Full House are pretty similar shows in a lot of ways, which is no coincidence because they share the same production company, but I always preferred watching Family Matters because it was endearingly bad, whereas Full House was just obnoxiously bad.  Although I think I’d spend less time with my head in my hands while I watched the episodes if this was Family Matters Reviewed, ultimately I think Full House was the better choice for one reason:  variety.  Even though I totally fucking hate every single stupid asshole on Full House, at least they shuffle the focus around a little.  There’s probably about 12 stock scenarios that get recycled in some form or other over and over again on Full House, whereas on Family Matters, by about Season 3, every single episode was exactly the same. It was all about Urkel.

Every episode of Family Matters goes like this:  Urkel goes over to the Winslow’s house and either sexually harasses Laura or kills Carl’s bosses pet fish or tries out some invention that does an incredible amount of property damage and then they kick him out.  He gets all sad and then later the Winslow’s feel bad and invite him back over under the condition that he’ll quit being such an asshole, but he never really changes at all.  Seriously, that’s every episode.  Sometimes there’s a shrinking ray or Waldo Giraldo Faldo says something particularly hilarious or Urkel turns into Bruce Lee or something, but that one synopsis pretty much describes every episode.  So even though I find the cast of Family Matters ten million times more watchable than the shitty anuses on Full House, and even though I find myself struggling on a weekly basis to find something new to say about how much I hate Uncle Joey, a least sometimes I can talk about why I hate Stephanie instead.

Anyway, Urkel is rad, you guys!  So rad that they just had to get him on Full House at least once.  Now, in case you weren’t paying attention, let’s quickly review what brings him to the full house:  some girl we’ve never seen before ran into the full house with DJ and said that her cousin was bugging them, and then her cousin turned out to be Urkel.  How’s that for an inspired crossover?  I think it would have actually seemed less random if Urkel had just knocked on the door out of the blue and been like, “what’s up, you guys, I’m Urkel from Family Matters.  I’m just gonna hang out for a couple scenes because they film my show on the other side of the parking lot, plus it’s sweeps week.  Urkel laugh!”

Urkel bestows his comedic genius unto the full house.  Jesse tries to teach him how to walk like a cool guy and then they spend a solid 2 minutes gyrating their pelvises together in the living room.  Classic Urkel!

Stephanie comes home with her new glasses and is all bummed out because she looks like a dogs asshole.

Stephanie becomes depressed and asks the girls to let her have some time to herself in her room.  Urkel decides to ignore her request for privacy and forces her to listen to a pep talk about how wearing glasses is great.  Stephanie is hesitant to heed his words because he’s a stranger that won’t get out of her room but she’s eventually receptive to his suggestion that he should preempt people making fun of her glasses by making light of it herself.

Meanwhile, Jesse is overwhelmed with guilt over picking Joey over Danny as his best man so he tells them that he wants them both to be his best man.  Then they all kiss each other on the lips.

Stephanie’s teacher tells her to put on her reading glasses in class.  While she thinks about putting them on, she is distracted by these really weird superimposed windows into her mind that create what I’m just gonna go ahead and call the best freeze frame you will ever see on this blog.

Urkel’s floating head reminds her to make the kids in her class laugh with her before they laugh at her so she proceeds to ham it up in front of her classmates with a bunch of trick glasses.  Her teacher gets all pissed off and reprimands her, which is one of the precious few instances ever on this show when someone is called out on being an obnoxious, attention-grabbing asshole.

Michelle continues to collect money for her piggy bank until the ice cream truck comes and she becomes desperate for the money.  DJ explains to her the importance of saving your money and then Michelle makes a face that will make you never want to have children.

Joey finds Stephanie writing lines about not disrupting class and has a talk with her about what happened.  She explains that Urkel gave her shitty advice and Joey says that he understands because he, too, has no social tact or common sense.  He then explains that he used to be a fat kid so he’d act a fool in class to prevent kids from making fun of him, which is pretty unnecessary because we don’t need to be told that he was once fat to believe that kids used to ridicule Joey in school.  Anyway, Joey says that any kid who makes fun of her can go suck a dick and that she should look at herself in the mirror with her new found sense of confidence.

Stephanie takes a look in the mirror and since they don’t use a fisheye lens this time I guess we’re not supposed to notice that she looks like Jason Voorhees.  The music plays as Stephanie makes peace with her doo doo face and then Joey coerces her into doing erotic poses as the credits roll.  Weird!

Dang, I guess that’s it for the Urkel episode, which was the only episode in the entire series that I was actually looking forward to watching.  He was only in like 2 scenes!

Firsts:  Julie (Urkel’s cousin, who I’m sure will never appear on the show again), URKEL!!!, cross-over with another show

Posted by: billysuperstar | October 28, 2011

Season 4, Episode 15, “Ol’ Brown Eyes”

The title of this episode comes from the special name the dads have for when they rub their anuses together.

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle interrupts Joey and Danny’s card game by showing them that she can skip.  The three of them skip around like a bunch of overpaid actors until Jesse shows up and tells Michelle that it’s cooler to strut.

Stephanie hides Michelle’s doll and tries to play the hot and cold game so she can find it but all Michelle gives a shit about are cookies.

Jesse gives Rebecca Donaldson’s wedding ring to Joey and asks him to have it engraved with the inscription, “love me tender.”  Rebecca Donaldson shows up and has to work real hard to convince Jesse not to wear a leather tuxedo with a cobra on the back of it at their wedding.  Have I mentioned enough time’s that I’m completely mystified about why Rebecca Donaldson would ever marry Jesse?  He must be a hypnotist or have a solid gold penis or something.  Although he’s never shown any characteristics outside of a love for shitty rock ‘n’ roll, Elvis and fried chicken, he’s gotta be hiding some kind of amazing secret.  Either that or Rebecca Donaldson just hates herself.

DJ comes home and tells everyone how excited she is about the school newspaper fund-raiser that she’s gonna have at the Smash Club.  Oh, man, remember the Smash Club?  We haven’t seen that place in like 2 Seasons.  Well, I guess we can continue to assume that it’s the lamest club in the universe, because not only do they let Jesse’s shitty band play there, they also host parties for junior high school newspapers.

Apparently the uncle’s are the planned entertainment for the fund-raiser.  Joey prepares by demonstrating some of his new jokes, which are a bunch of lame observations about cartoons with shitty impressions mixed in.  Does Joey ever tell any jokes that aren’t about cartoon characters?  What a waste of human life.  Anyway, after talking to the uncles, DJ confers with Danny about his role as MC and makes a big deal about how he’s lame and should take up as little stage time as possible.  It’s really great to see DJ grow up and finally realize that her Dad’s a big lame piece of shit. Anyway, after DJ leaves, Danny decides to impress DJ by performing a song with Jesse’s band.  That’s right, motherfuckers, Danny’s gearing up for one of the all-time worst moments in the series’ history!  Hold on to your asses!

Michelle enters the scene and asks if anyone will play hot and cold with her and everyone saunters off.  After being left alone in the living room, she finds Rebecca Donaldson’s wedding ring and decides to hide it.  Man, that’s what those fuckers get for letting that child walk around unsupervised all the damn time.

Joey wanders into Stephanie’s room with shit in his pants because he cant find the wedding ring.  Stephanie offers him no help at all, and instead takes great pleasure in preying on Joey’s anxiety.  Reveling in the misery of others has been a really predominant character trait for Stephanie lately.  It’s like, now that she’s not cute anymore, the shows creators were like, “let’s just made her a sadistic asshole.”

Anyway, Michelle comes in and reveals that she hid the ring, then she forces Joey to look for it by playing the hot and cold game.

Jesse gets ready to practice with his band for the school newspaper fund-raiser.  For some reason, every time we see Jesse’s band it has a completely different set of members.  I don’t think I’ve seen a recurring band member, ever.  Was it cheaper to always hire new extras or something?  Anyway, there’s no time to dwell on that because Danny comes out dressed in leather and tells Jesse that he wants to sing, “My Generation,” by The Who.

Danny gets a big laugh from the audience by saying that he’s going to, “bust a move,” which really dates this episode.  I guess that was the hot new phrase of the day, or at least it was until someone said it on Full House.

Danny’s performance is stilted, awkward, and totally painful to watch.  It’s a classic embarrassing-to-look-at-or-even-think-about Full House moment.  I think it’s actually supposed to be painful to watch because DJ comes in halfway through with Kimmie Gibbler and they’re both totally horrified.  DJ tells Danny that he’d better not do that shit at her school event or her life will be ruined and then she storms off to her room and gentle music plays as the camera pans in on Danny’s stupid face looking sad.

After the commercial break, Danny reminisces with Jesse about how embarrassing his own Dad was.  Danny has the shocking revelation that he’s an embarrassing nerd and decides that he shouldn’t perform at DJ’s thing.  I am totally amazed that someone on this show actually felt self-conscious for once and showed some fucking humility.  It wasn’t worth sitting through that performance to see it happen, but at least it’s something.

Danny goes up to DJ’s room and tells her that he’s not gonna sing at her party.  He goes on to explain that he only wanted to do it to prove to her that he was hip and cool, but now he’s realized that he isn’t.  What a great scene!   The best part about it is that DJ doesn’t reassure him at all, she’s just like, “thanks for realizing that you’re embarrassing.”  If only this were the end of the episode!  But no, they never quit while they’re ahead.

Michelle puts Joey through a bunch of bullshit while he’s looking for the ring.  Eventually it turns out that Jesse found it and has been carrying it around.  Jesse seems kinda mad but, really, what did he expect to happen when he asked Joey to do him a favor?  Did he really think that he wouldn’t fuck it up?

DJ’s school newspaper fund-raiser is a big hit!  A bunch of middle aged extras dressed like flamboyant teenagers dance around to Jesse’s shitty band.  The show wraps up pretty quickly and then Danny delivers some brief closing words wherein he congratulates DJ for putting the whole thing together.  DJ goes up on stage and announces that Jesse’s shitty band is gonna play one last terrible song, sung by her nerdy dad.  Danny checks with DJ to make sure she wont be embarrassed by him and she says the only thing she’s embarrassed about is the way that she acted earlier.  And if that’s not enough to make you wanna put your fist through the screen, Danny proceeds to sing, “My Girl” to the audience.

Oh!  It’s so painful!  It’s such a fucking whitebread rendition in every way possible.  “My Girl” has the greatest base line in the history of music and they just totally left it out.  It’s this up-tempo, dance-with-your-arms-locked-in-a-45-degree-angle interpretation that just makes me want to cry.  And fucking Danny Tanner is singing!  I really wonder what the motivation was for this because Bob Saget really can’t sing for shit.  And that’s not just me picking apart and criticizing everything that ever happens on this show;  that man really cannot sing at all.  So much so that it seems really odd that they would put him in that situation.  Why did no one stop this from happening!??!

Once again, the show ends with a totally skewed moral.  DJ was embarrassed about Danny singing at her school event because he’s fucking embarrassing!  Why does DJ have to ask him to sing at the end?  What lesson does that teach us?  It encourages us to coddle people who are overbearing and obnoxious.  That’s all this show’s ever about!

Firsts:  someone shows self-awareness about being lame

Posted by: billysuperstar | October 21, 2011

Season 4, Episode 14, “Working Girl”

Pre-Credits Gag:  It’s about Jesse teaching Michelle how to play the drums but never mind that, just look at her outfit.

Michelle has been given the title of “Politeness Monitor” at her school for the week, which permits her to get all up in everyone’s faces to make sure they say “please” and shit like that.  She gets really aggressive with Stephanie, flashing her badge and sternly warning, “I’ll be watching you, mister.”

This reminds me that I’ve pretty much ignored that Michelle has been saying “mister” after damn near every sentence for kind of a while now.  It started with her saying, “you got it, dude,” and then just saying “dude” at the end of all sorts of phrases.  That was such a big hit that they needed some other hilarious way for her to address people and I guess the best they could come up with was, “mister.”  She says it like 4 or 5 times an episode and it gets a big laugh each time, which is a pretty solid verification that this show was completely on auto-pilot by this point.

DJ comes home and starts kissing Danny’s ass.  When he asks her what she wants she tries to hit him up for a $160 pair of shoes, which strikes Danny as absurd.  Man, what’s up with all these cheap ass, incredibly rich parents on tv?  The Huxtables always pulled this shit, too, and it always drove me nuts.  Danny’s loaded, man.  He gives the uncles large sums of money all the time to support their ridiculous “business,” but he can’t buy his daughter some shoes that are obviously the only way she’ll ever be popular?  DJ’s totally adheres to the strict commandments of whatever weird conservative religion they follow at the full house that makes them so corny and boring, and this is her reward?

The shoes are called, “Blow Outs,” which is an obvious reference to the Reebok Pump’s that were so popular at the time.  Remember those, with the little basketball logo that you could squeeze to pump air into your shoes?  Those shoes were fuckin’ baller, son!

So there’s just no fuckin’ way that Danny’s ever gonna pay for those shoes.  DJ tells him that she got an offer to be a photographers assistant at the mall so she’ll work to pay for the shoes herself but then he’s all hesitant about letting her take the job.  OK, so maybe I can actually understand why he wouldn’t want to pay for the shoes, but now he won’t even let her earn the money herself?  Seriously, what’s Danny Tanner got against rad shoes?  Finally, if for no other reason than to move the story forward, Danny agrees to let her take the job.

Rebecca Donaldson comes over to make wedding plans with Jesse and they rekindle an old argument that occurred several episodes ago about where they should get married.  As soon as things start to really get heated they’re interrupted by Joey asking if he can borrow some money to buy stupid bullshit from the Home Shopping Network.  I always wondered what kind of fucking idiot buys that junk, and now that I know the answer I’m not the least bit surprised.  Anyway, Joey tries to help Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson resolve their conflict by inciting fantasy sequences about what their differing wedding plans will be like.

Jesse’s fantasy of a wedding in Nebraska has square dancing music playing while Rebecca Donaldson rides around on a tractor.  Also, I’m pretty sure that we’re to assume that they’re brother and sister.  Is this even an actual stereotype of Nebraska?  I think Jesse’s thinking of Oklahoma or Kentucky or something.

Rebecca Donaldson’s Graceland wedding fantasy is equally absurd but at least it’s more well researched.  Not much happens in it because I don’t think they had a proper set so they just stand in the gate of what we’re supposed to believe is Graceland and Jesse talks like Elvis until Rebecca Donaldson passes out.

The fantasies get everyone all riled up and there’s a heated argument until Joey suggests that they have their wedding in San Francisco because that’s where they both live. Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson are shamed into complying because once Joey steps in as the voice of reason you may as well just say fuck it. They thank Joey by giving him access to Jesse’s credit card and then they decide to get married on Valentine’s day, which is apparently only 6 weeks away.  How’s that for planning?

So I guess DJ’s job is to dress up like Raggedy Anne and act like a fucking idiot in front of kids so they’ll smile while they’re having their picture taken.  She tries to get this one kid to smile and he just looks at her disapprovingly and tells her that she’s not funny, which totally makes him the raddest kid ever.  She finally wins him over by following his orders to walk and quack like a duck, which only makes me appreciate the kid more because he seems to really understand that the only time the Tanner’s are funny is when they’re being degraded and humiliated.  They should let this kid direct an episode.

Kimmie Gibbler comes by to make fun of DJ’s lame job and to get her to hang out with some seedy looking boys she picked up at the mall.  DJ says she can’t do anything fun because she has to work all the time and study for her science test so she can prove to her stingy ass dad that she’s responsible.

After a brief scene in which Michelle polices the dog’s behavior for politeness, DJ comes home and reveals that she got an “F” on her science test.

Michelle consoles DJ by telling her to take her elbows off the table.  Kimmie Gibbler busts out a red pen and changes the “F” to the most unconvincing “A” you’ve ever seen in your life, which only upsets DJ more.

Throughout this exchange Michelle repeatedly interjects with scoldings about their conversational etiquette until DJ finally gets sick of it and picks her up and carries her out of the room.  I got really excited by the possibility that DJ might throw her in the gutter or the fireplace or something but all she does is put her in the living room.

Danny comes by DJ’s job to photograph her in her degrading work outfit.  As long as he’s making her feel like shit, he also asks to see her science test.  For some reason she hands him the test without telling him that Kimmie Gibbler changed her grade and when he’s fooled by the phony “A” he gets all excited and keeps interrupting her to say how proud he is of her every time she tries to tell him what happened.  Seriously, how many sitcom misunderstandings could have been easily avoided if people would just let each other finish their fucking sentences?

Stephanie prepares herself the dessert of a single Hostess cupcake on a plate and a glass of milk, which really creeps me out for some reason.  I don’t know, I just think that’s what the children of the damned would eat for dessert.  Michelle politely asks if she can have the cupcake and when Stephanie politely declines to give it to her, Michelle’s like, “politeness sucks my dick!” and steals it.  And that, my friends, is the conclusion of the politeness monitor sub-plot.

Jesse sees DJ’s test on the refrigerator and identifies the modified grade.  He convinces her to tell Danny and when she does he gets all pissed and tells her that she’s a big fuck up.  He makes her quit her humiliating job and tells her that she should enjoy being a kid while she can.  DJ agrees with his condescending bullshit and then declares that she’s going to put her first and only paycheck in the bank instead of spending it on awesome shoes.

So…wait?  She never even gets the shoes?  What was the point of any of that?  All I learned is that kids in High School shouldn’t have jobs.  Oh yeah, also, politeness is obnoxious and stealing is funny.

Posted by: billysuperstar | October 14, 2011

Season 4, Episode 13, “Happy New Year”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle learns about caterpillars.

Joey makes a series of desperate phone calls as he tries to find a date for New Years Eve.  Pouring salt on the gaping wound that is his pathetic loneliness, the other dads come home from a double-date with their hot lady friends and start making out in the living room.  Danny, Cindy (making her 3rd appearance!), Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson urge Joey to find a date for the upcoming New Years Eve party at the tv station so he’s not an even bigger 5th wheel burden to have around than he usually is.

Kimmie Gibbler comes over and invites DJ to her New Years Eve rager.  DJ gets all excited about going until Stephanie reminds her that she has to watch her and Michelle that night.  It’s really weird how Stephanie gloats like an asshole about it, like she’s reveling in the fact that it sucks for her her sister to have to hang out with her lame ass instead of going to a rad party.

DJ complains to Danny that she wants to sneak a sip of champagne and use it as an excuse to let some oily boy with half a mustache feel her up on New Years instead of being obligated to sit around with her ugmo sisters but then Joey volunteers to watch the girls because he really doesn’t have anything better to do.  The other dads try to console Joey about the fact that it would be impossible for any woman to love him unless he got a bunch of plastic surgery and completely changed everything about his personality and then Joey slinks off to the basement while the audience goes, “aww.”

Jesse and Danny decide to set up a hidden camera in the attic studio to trick Joey into being interviewed for a video dating service.  Danny summons Joey with an intercom that they’ve never shown before, but I guess it stands to reason that they’d have something like that because the full house is hella big.  While they wait for Joey to come upstairs, the other dads fumble through an introduction to his interview, which is as bungling and awkward as it is superfluous.  Did video dating service recordings ever have introductions by the person’s friends?

Joey comes upstairs in his bathrobe with shaving cream all over his face, which leads me to conclude that the intercom in the attic is connected to another one in the shower in Joey’s basement bathroom.  Why did they have to introduce an intercom at all if its only purpose was to point out how absurd it’s use was?  If they’d just called down the stairs and he came up like that it would have made sense.  Why do they have to go to the trouble of adding extra details if it just makes things more illogical?

So anyway, the video dating ad recording is completely ridiculous.  Danny and Jesse never tells Joey that he’s being recorded because they think he has too much pride (that’s a first!) so they just weird him out for a couple of minutes by making him sit in a chair while they talk into an easel about how rad he is.

In the next scene Jesse and Danny tell Joey that they recorded him and now have a tape of women who want to date him, which prevents Joey from getting mad about them soliciting him without consent.  The first few women on the tape are totally awful, although the first one says she’s into “water sports,” which seems like it would be right up Joey’s alley.  Right before Joey decides to give up, he sees a recording of a woman named Christine and is immediately smitten with her.  He calls her up and invites her to sit around the full house with him and the girls on New Years Eve and she agrees to come, which is a pretty major red flag if you ask me.  After he gets off the phone, Joey stares at Christine’s image on the tv and says that he thinks that he’s in love with her, which is an even bigger red flag.

As the family get ready to go to their various New Years Eve parties, a big ass Christmas tree prominently displayed in the living room reminds me that I dodged a bullet by not having to sit through another shitty Christmas episode.  That one from Season 2 still stands out in my mind at the shittiest viewing experience I’ve had while writing this blog, which is really saying something.  Anyway, Danny and Cindy leave Rusty at the full house and he threatens Stephanie by telling her that he’s gonna kiss her at midnight.

Christine shows up at the full house and she and Joey are immediately smitten with one another.  As they get to know each other, they discover that they both love rollerblading and Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons.  Those might seem like some pretty shallow connections, but in the world of Full House that’s about as deep as anyone’s personality gets.

As the countdown to midnight reaches it’s final minutes, Rusty continues to sexually harass Stephanie.  DJ comes home with Ricky, the sexy paperboy from a few episodes ago, and reports that Kimmie Gibbler’s party got out of control and everyone got kicked out.  Moments later, Jesse, Rebecca Donaldson, Danny and Cindy all come home, claiming that they decided to ring in the New Year with the people they care about most, their obnoxious family of worthless assholes.

Right when the ball drops, Stephanie takes a big bite out of an onion and then forcibly kisses Rusty. 1991’s gonna be the best year ever, you guys!

As Joey and Christine slow dance in the backyard, they try to figure out how to express the mounting excitement they feel towards each other and decide to drive to Tahoe to get married.  Joey goes inside and announces his plans and everyone’s like, “what the fuck’s wrong with you, Joey?  Even considering the unbelievably low standards you’ve cultivated for your behavior, this is just totally unacceptable!”  They fail to reason with him because Joey’s a fucking idiot but then he starts to realize what he’s doing and then Christine shows up at the back door and tells him that they need to talk.  They go out to the backyard and decide that they shouldn’t get married yet, which is too bad for Joey because I bet it’s really necessary for him to rope a woman into a commitment as quickly as possible on account of his micropenis.

Well, that was probably the most meandering storyline so far.  That whole Joey-getting-married plot didn’t even start until the last 2 minutes of the episode.  I wonder if we’ll ever see Christine again?

Firsts:  Joey has pride, Christine

Posted by: billysuperstar | October 7, 2011

Season 4, Episode 12, “Danny in Charge”

Pre-Credits Gag:  The Dads all tuck Michelle in as her birthday draws to a close and she’s a real pain in the ass about going to bed.  After they leave she gets up and eats an enormous piece of cake that she’s stashed under her bed.

Once again, I am totally amazed by the complete lack of supervision this family provides for their just-turned-4-year-old child.  The saddest part about it is that she never falls down the stairs or eats poison or anything that you’d hope to see, she just gets away with acting like an asshole all the time.  I also find it remarkable that they didn’t bother to base an episode around Michelle’s birthday and only used it for a quick throwaway gag, but considering what I imagine such an episode to be like, I’m grateful for their lack of effort.

Stephanie shows off her science fair project to her sisters: a model of the human brain made out of vegetables.  I can honestly say that it’s the shittiest science fair project I’ve ever seen, on tv or in real life, and that includes the time that Ralph Wiggum presented a box full of star wars action figures.  It’s just a cauliflower with a bunch of other vegetables pinned to it.  It looks like it took 2 minutes to make, and in no way resembles a researched, scientifically accurate depiction of an actual human brain.

Stephanie makes the other girls promise not to tell Danny what her project is because it’s a surprise, unlike the inevitable plot development that’s to come as a result.  Danny comes downstairs and mentions that the uncles are out of town filming a commercial so it’s his first time alone with them in the full house since he kicked his mom out in the first episode.  Danny can hardly remember what the full house was like without 2 worthless assholes around to fuck everything up, and feels that this time should be a special one that he shares with his girls.

Kimmie Gibbler tells DJ (how did I go this long without mentioning that Kimmie Gibbler was there for all this!??!) that Kathy Santoni got sick so she can’t play Juliette in the play, and since DJ’s her understudy she’ll be playing the part.  I feel kinda bad for Kathy Santoni…  Since she’s the only one of DJ and Kimmie Gibbler’s classmates with a name, she always has to be the unfortunate recipient of whatever off-screen circumstances guide the plot.

DJ makes Danny promise to come see her performance on Wednesday and then he prances out of the house singing about what a badass dad he is.  Immediately after he exits, as if the last 80 or so episodes weren’t enough evidence that his claims of skilled parenting weren’t total bullshit, DJ realizes that her stupid play is at the same time as Stephanie’s geeky science fair, so there’s no way he can make it to both.  Why would these girls even want Danny to come to their events anyway?  How are they not totally ashamed of him?

Meanwhile, in the woods, the uncles sit outside of a fox hole with a camera so they can score footage for some lame commercial.  So I guess we’re to assume that they’re working again?  Joey tries to lure the fox out by doing that annoying Mr. Woodchuck impression and Jesse gets all impatient and starts gathering up his shit so he can return to civilization.  He is quickly stopped in his tracks by the appearance of a skunk, and when he asks Joey for help all he’s provided is a shitty impression of Pepe Le Pew.  Seriously, how mad would you be if you were about to get sprayed by a skunk in the woods and that was the only assistance you were offered?  Adding insult to injury, the fox appears while all this is going on so the uncles don’t get their shot.

Danny finds himself overwhelmed with responsibilities at the full house.  DJ comes home and starts grilling his ass about coming to her stupid play and he promises again that he’ll be there.  Stephanie comes down and starts going on about her nerdy ass science fair and Danny realizes that he’s overbooked himself.  Both of the girls immediately revert to shrieking harpies and demand that Danny attend their crappy event.  After a bunch of door slamming and a commercial break, Danny assembles the girls in the kitchen and announces that since he promised Stephanie first, he’ll be attended her nerdy science fair.  DJ gets all pissed but the conflict is seemingly resolved until Danny busts out his vegetable dish for dinner.

Ok, what?  This is totally ridiculous for so many reasons.  First of all, if Danny actually steamed a cauliflower with a bunch of other vegetables pinned to it that he found in his refrigerator and served it to his children then I think that he should have them taken away from him.  I’m pretty sure that the #1 rule of parenting is: do not serve any food that has metal pins in it to your children.  Second, Stephanie treats the steaming of her science project like it’s this big fucking tragedy.  How is her project at all ruined by the steaming?  It looks exactly the same.  Maybe it took seeing it steamed up and served in a pot for her to realize what a shitty project it was in the first place.  But, really, if anything her project is improved by the steaming because it would certainly be more brain-like if it was all soft and squishy.  Well anyway, for whatever reason the science fair is officially ruined and it seems as though DJ will have to bear the shame of having Danny attend her school event after all.

Meanwhile, back in the woods, Jesse wakes Joey up in the morning, prominently emoting a new-found appreciation he feels towards nature.  The 2 of them break out into a rendition of “Happy Trails” and are surrounded by friendly woodland creatures.  As they continue their song the fox appears and Joey is able to film him, and that’s it.  That’s the whole uncles-filming-a-fox-in-the-woods subplot.

In the morning, DJ continues to ride Danny’s ass about going to her stupid play and he promises for the 50th fucking time that he’ll be there.  Stephanie comes downstairs and discovers that her crappy brain model has been reassembled and Danny reveals that he was up all night making her a new one.  Danny, please.  Don’t even try to tell me it took more than 5 minutes to assemble that piece of shit.  Anyway, DJ gets all threatened by the science fair no longer being ruined but Danny explains that he’ll be able to attend half of each event.  This desperate compromise fails to appease either of the bottomless wells of relentless demand that Danny refers to as his daughters and the scene ends with everyone feeling like shit.

After Stephanie and DJ leave for school, Danny goes upstairs to hang out with Michelle before the science fair and he’s like, “damn, those bitches wore me out!” and falls asleep in her bed.  Later on, Stephanie and DJ come home and are both real pissed that Danny didn’t show up to their event.  Once they realize that he wasn’t at either of their events they narcissistically conclude that if he didn’t make it to their stupid school bullshit than he must have died tragically or something.  What other reason could there be!??!  To be fair, the last time one of their parents missed an event was probably when their mom died, but knowing these broads they were probably more upset about her missing their stupid spelling bee or whatever than the fact that she died a fiery, painful death.

The girls frantically search for Danny for about 5 seconds before finding him passed out in Michelle’s bed.  For a split-second they are granted enough empathy to realize that their constant stream of bullshit wore out their poor, unqualified father and they apologize for being such dicks.  The weirdest part about this scene is that the music doesn’t come on until after the valuable lesson is learned, so it’s just playing for seemingly no reason as Danny tells his daughters how great they are and listens to their banal anecdotes about how their events went.  Usually the music has magical conflict-resolution powers, but this time it just feels obligatorily tacked on.  Anyway, that’s the end.

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